Search This Blog

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Slow Improvement

Doing a little better today, although it is still quite painful to walk after sitting for a while.  I may try a short walk with my dog this evening, if I get off on time.  I did walk to work this morning.  I did quite a bit of walking at work yesterday, though, and it was beginning to take its toll.  I just want to be careful.  Perhaps I can get on the recumbent bike tomorrow morning.

My eating yesterday was good, almost very good.  Breakfast was Kashi GoLean cereal with milk.  Lunch was a Farmhouse (grilled chicken) salad at Potbelly.  Dinner was a roasted chicken sandwich from Subway, an apple, and 5 whole grain crackers with Nutella.  A little later I had probably 5 more crackers (no Nutella).  I also had 2 hard cinnamon candies during the day (not from my cubie’s candy bowl, but from the mint bowl we have in the lobby).  I needed something after the salad, which had red onion and blue cheese in it.  I didn’t touch my cubie’s candy bowl, which is full of chocolate and Starburst candy.  Too dangerous for me to get started on.

This morning, I had a ham, mushroom, egg and swiss on a wheat square at Potbelly (I was running late, so didn’t have time to eat at home).  A square is the size of half a regular sandwich, or about 3 inches.  With that I had a banana.  Lunch was a Southwest Chicken Caesar salad and an apple.  I ordered the dressing on the side, so I could control how much went on it.  Usually, for me, the less carb thing is a more important choice than a low fat thing.  Within reason.  For dinner, I think I will have parmesan crusted chicken, a little rice and some steamed veggies.

There are Christmas goodies in the break room calling out to me.  I just keep thinking:  “Christmas goodies or less pain?”  I have to choose less pain.  I wish the result of good choices was immediate, but then I would probably stop making the good choices.  I have to keep in the forefront of my mind that I have to make changes, and the changes have to be permanent, if I want to have a life that is not filled with pain.  I need a shock collar to remind me when I choose not to remember that.

This does not mean, however, that I will not have any Christmas goodies at all.  I just cannot make it a month-long thing, like it tends to be in this law office.  Clients and vendors deliver things to our office all month long, not to mention coworkers bringing goodies they have made.  There have been years that I just don’t eat some meals because I know I will be indulging in the goodies around here and I am trying to save at least some calories.  But I have to exercise more discretion this year and partake of the goodies only on limited occasions.

I keep thinking that after Christmas I would like to do something for a few weeks to get some weight off more quickly (like Medifast or something) so I can more quickly get to a place where my pain level is improved enough to where I can be more active to help with my efforts.  Does anyone have any thoughts about that idea?  A big question is, would I do it?  I might.  I hate that I have let it get to this point before I am motivated enough to do something about it.  There was just too much junk going on in my life.

I did not have the family meeting last weekend.  I have, however, been speaking up more to my kids individually.  And there is more I need to say.  I also need to speak up more at work.  I didn’t tell my boss yesterday that I didn’t think I needed to be making 20 trips down the hall to the other end of the office.  He was in a meeting and I didn’t want to make an issue in front of the other people, plus I was feeling some better.  However, toward the end of it, it was beginning to take its toll.  And it was more walking than I needed to be doing.  He is down there in that same office today.  So far, I have only had to make one trip down there.  If it starts up again, I will tell him, or I will take my co-worker up on her offer to walk down there for me.


It didn’t wind up being too bad, and I am slowly feeling better.  Now I am going to walk home from work.

I did have a little “white trash” that somebody brought.  But very little.  I also had a fun-size Snickers from the candy bowl (darn it).  Of course, that made me want more, but I fought that urge off.

Gotta run!  (Or walk slowly.)

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

A Setback of Sorts

I typed a post yesterday and didn’t get it posted.  It has been a rough couple of days since Saturday.  I went to the Reflexologist (Sharon) and she did a lot of massage work on my back and legs, since I had been having such problems with them last week.  She said I had all kinds of “ropes” in my lower back and she spent time breaking up the knots and working on the ropes.  She told me I needed to do a lot of stretching on an ongoing basis and that I did not even need to think about doing any strength training, probably for several months, until I had achieved full range of motion.  Strength training when you do not have full range of motion only makes things worse.  I did some stretching just while sitting or lying down Saturday evening.

Sunday, I was doing okay in the morning, although sore.  I got out and did a couple of things that required walking.  I got home and sat a while, and as the day wore on, my back, hips and legs began to tighten up, and by early evening, I was barely getting around.  It was my sciatic nerve and it was acting up with a vengeance.  I got in the hot tub at the lofts to see if that would help, and did some stretching while in the water.  It felt good while doing it, but I went back to my apartment and sat a while after that and it continued to tighten and get more painful.  I was in pain even just sitting on the couch.  I began having some other unpleasant sensations in my back and at one point, I thought I might have to go to the ER.  I lay down on the floor, first on my back and then on my stomach.  That seemed to help a little.  I also took some more pain med and a muscle relaxant, knowing if I went to the ER, that’s what they would do.  I was at least more comfortable sitting, but still in pretty severe pain when I stood up, and walking was impossible.  I was afraid I might not be able to sleep, but with the pain med and the muscle relaxant, was able to sleep.

 Monday morning, I woke up and was still in a lot of pain when standing.  Getting around was very difficult.  I would have liked to stay home the entire day, but with my backup out indefinitely, I didn’t feel like I could do that.  I asked our courtrunner if he could pick me up, so I wouldn’t have to walk to work.  He was at the doctor’s office with his daughter, but said he would pick me up when he was done.  It was getting pretty late in the morning and I felt like I needed to get to work, so I went to CVS and bought me a cane and I walked to work with the help of the cane.  It made me feel so old.  I made it to work okay, although it was painful.  I sat most of the day and would only get up when I had to.  Every time I would stand up, I would have to wait for the pain to wash over me and kind of work into putting any weight on my left leg; then I could painfully walk around the office, holding on to things as I went.  My daughter picked me up so I didn’t have to walk home.  It was pretty much the same last evening.  My poor dog has not been walked in 3 days.

I was a little better when I got up this morning.  I did a few things around the house – put in a load of laundry and put some dishes in the dishwasher.  My son didn’t come home yesterday (not unusual), so I had no help.  The girls are busy with their jobs and some struggles of their own.  I did feel a little better this morning, so I walked to work.  My co-worker had loaned me a crutch yesterday, which did seem to help – I liked using one crutch better than a cane.  I carried the crutch with me and would lean on it when I waited for lights to change, but walked without it and did okay, although slow.  As I sit at work today, at times I am feeling a little better, but I stiffen up again after sitting and it is quite painful when I first get up.  I am not doing enough walking at work to get past the stiffness, so walking around here is slow and painful.

My boss, who gets massages regularly and has some back problems of his own, said this happened because my muscles had built up a kind of protection for the nerve in my back.  When she broke up some of that stuff my back has built up, the nerve was now unprotected, so my vertebrae clamped down on the nerve.  Things will improve as the muscles are loosened so I can get in better alignment, so the nerve is not pinched.  The thing is, from what I know about what is wrong with me, according to the spine surgeon, I am not sure that can happen without losing a substantial amount of weight or having surgery.  According to the MRI, the structure of my spine is pretty messed up.  I have all kinds of degenerative stuff going on, plus the spondylolisthesis (which means one vertebrae has moved forward – anteriorally – in relation to the one below it), and this is causing my nerve to be pinched.  I also have pretty severe stenosis, which means the spinal canal has narrowed (from the bulging disc(s), bone spurs, etc.) and all that is putting pressure on the nerve.  My last x-ray showed that it had further narrowed since the one the year before, so it is quite severe in nature.  I don’t know how much good just causing the muscles to relax is going to help, if the underlying problems are not corrected, either with weight loss (which will help to a degree) or surgery.  I will continue to read and study and ask questions.  Sharon told me to get a book called Wharton’s Back Book, which in her opinion is the best one about teaching you how important stretching is and how to do it, when and how to strength train, etc.  I saw in the index it does talk some about spondylolisthesis, so I will see what it has to say about everything.

Sharon told me reflexology and massage can help some people avoid surgery, but for others, it helps the surgery be more successful and keeps the muscles, etc. surrounding the spine in better condition before and after the spine is corrected.  I have a suspicion that my back falls into the second category.  I am not someone who has occasional back pain.  My back is in pretty bad shape and it is going to take some major things to make it better.  Weight loss does often help spondylolisthesis, because the added weight in the abdomen pulls the top vertebrae further forward and out of alignment.  It will help the other problems some, because the extra weight is putting an enormous amount of pressure on my spine, but it may not cure it because of the severity of my problems.  I wish I could have a disc replacement when the time comes.  That seems the most natural way to restore the spine more to its normal state, instead of fusing it, which causes loss of mobility, etc.  However, my insurance will not pay for disc replacement because it is considered too experimental at this point.  It is a fairly new procedure.  I hope that by the time I have anything done (if I do), that it will have become the proven method for treatment and therefore be covered by insurance.  However, fusion might be required if the slippage is not improved enough by weight loss.

Losing weight and the work Sharon is doing on me will give me the best chance of the best recovery.  I must stay on track.

Speaking of which, my eating has not been great the last 3 days, as far as what I have eaten, but portion control has been pretty good, compared to how I was eating.  I could slowly lose weight, I think.  However, I have not been able to walk or work out the last few days.  That is not good.  I could probably do the recumbent bike now (although Sunday night and Monday morning, I do not think I could), but the walking there to do it is the hard part.  Everything is 4 times harder to do right now.

I can’t remember if I posted about thinking about getting a “scooter” chair.  I sure have been wishing I had one the last few days.  Maybe I will look for a used one.  At least I could keep my dog walked and maintain my independence as far as getting to work if I had one.  Until I get my back healed up more, I may be having more episodes like this.  But I do believe it is just an episode.  I will be back to where I was in a couple of days, I think.  I hope.

I must keep my eating on track.  I must.  And this is not a good time of year for that.  Always some kind of goodies around.  So far so good today.  I had some Kashi GoLean cereal with milk for breakfast.  Lunch is a Farmhouse chicken salad from Potbelly.  I seem to do better on higher protein and less carbs, so this salad is good for that.

Friday, December 7, 2012

It's Time for Boundaries

Goodness, I am sleepy today.

I got to thinking about something last night and this morning.  It has to do with the situation with my kids – having the family meeting, saying the things I need to say to them, etc.  This has been a life-long problem for me.  I did not speak up for myself in my marriage and it became abusive.  I don’t speak up for myself enough at work, so I find myself carrying too heavy of a load oftentimes, and I do the same thing with my kids.  I tend to believe things happen for a reason.  What if all that is happening has something to do with this issue of my needing to learn to speak up for myself (I am talking about some of the unusual things that have been happening)?  Actually, it is probably just a natural consequence.  If I don’t speak up for myself, people tend to walk all over me and I end up carrying way more responsibility than I should.

I have always been a pleaser.  I don’t like confrontation and I don’t like making waves. I have always had this mentality that I better be really good so people won’t mind having me around too much.  But I have become a pushover far too much of the time.

Now, I have never been a fan of people who are too pushy and who come in and take over situations in the wrong kind of way.  I have no desire to be that kind of person.  But that does not mean that I cannot be a nice and kind person and still uphold proper boundaries.  I owe that to myself.

There are certain things about my current situation that I wouldn’t necessarily do differently.  The problem with my daughter losing her job because of her health issue.  I think most parents would step in and help their child in a situation like this.  But there are other areas – a lot of them involving money and finances – where my kids are overstepping the line.  If I don’t uphold the boundary, then who will?  I guess I just expect them to do the right thing.  But they don’t always do that.  I am doing myself and them a disservice by allowing this to continue.  And there are other areas too.  If I am helping my kids this much financially, they should be helping me in every other way possible.  Jacob is staying with me and the girls are coming over a lot for meals because Stephanie has not been making enough money and I didn’t have enough extra to give her money for groceries.  Bethany also had a couple of things come up during the last month where she has been short on money.  So they come eat at my house.  I am fine with that.  But if I am doing all this for them, I sure as heck should not be cleaning up after them.  In fact, as much as I am helping them financially, I really should not have to be doing much of anything in the way of housework.  They should be doing it for me.   But they are not – or, at least, only a little.   And I have not been saying strongly enough that they should.  I don’t expect them to work as hard as I work myself (I don’t, but I should).  If I can work extra hours to make sure we all have enough, then they can certainly work extra hours lightening my load in other ways.  I expect that they should know this without me harping on them about it, but that is not working.  I am going to have to learn to communicate more directly and strongly.  This situation cannot continue.

And if they are misusing their money and that creates a situation where they cannot pay a bill, then I should not step in and help them.

You may be saying, what does this have to do with a weight loss blog?  For me, A LOT.  I think this “holding everything in” and not saying what needs to be said – in almost every area of my life – is part of the underlying problem.  I am not caring enough about myself to take up for myself.  I am not valuing myself.  It is little wonder that I am having difficulty taking care of myself  physically – doing what it takes to lose weigt.  I am carrying too heavy of a load all the time, I am constantly stressed, and my body is not handling it anymore.  I comfort myself with food, but that is only making the problem worse.

My kids love me, but they obviously are not respecting me enough.  Why should they when I don’t respect myself enough to say enough is enough?  Respect is earned.  They are obviously not going to do the right thing without my setting some boundaries.  So that is what this meeting tomorrow is about.  It is only a first step, but I have to do it.  Lord, help me not to wimp out like I usually do.

Food yesterday was good.  When I got home late last night, my son had fixed me dinner – a chicken stir-fry with vegetables and some brown rice.  I had already eaten the peanut butter crackers, so I didn’t want to eat too much.  I ate just a little of what he cooked – maybe a half cup total – and saved the rest to warm up for lunch today.  I need to drink more water, so I am going to work on that today too.  I stayed away from the candy bowl yesterday.  Last night when my cubie had gone home and I was still working, I set the candy bowl out of sight so it would not constantly be staring me in the face.

I did not ride the recumbent bike this morning.  I felt the need for a little more sleep.  I have had 3 bike workouts this week, and will try to get one done tomorrow and one Sunday.  That would be a good, strong week, considering my pain level right now, which is still significant.

Now let’s see if I can stay awake to get through my work day.  Happy Friday everyone!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Have to Learn to Speak Up!

Last night was a rough one.  For my lower back, usually I only have trouble when I am on my feet.  Although there is occasionally some generalized pain when I am sitting, usually pain is not an issue until I get on my feet.  Yesterday, I started having more pain issues just sitting at my desk, and last night, I had a difficult time sleeping because of radiating pain.  It feels like something has gotten significantly worse.  You know how things always seem worse in the middle of the night.  Last night I got worried that I was going to be in that much pain all the time and there being nothing they could really do about it on a day-to-day basis.  Specifically, the pain shooting to my right knee, and sometimes into my right foot, was pretty bad.

Admittedly, I did not take any pain medication in the evening, but I usually don’t.  Usually once I lay down, I am okay.  I finally had to take some around midnight, but I still had a hard time sleeping.  Finally, around 5:30, I took my morning dose and arranged my pillows so I was almost sitting up and pillows under my knees and that seemed to take some pressure off of the nerve, and slept another 30 minutes after that.  I think I will start out that way tonight.

I had a good day as far as eating and exercise yesterday.  First, I stayed away from the candy bowl.  My meals were fairly healthy and I think where they needed to be calorie-wise.  I asked my son if on the nights he is home (while he is staying with me), he would cook dinner for us so that it was ready when I get home.  He cooked some tilapia (kind of pan-sautéed), brown rice and roasted squash.  It was very good!  I had some frozen (unsweetened) cherries for “dessert” and a few whole grain crackers (about 5) with a little Nutella spread on them.  Breakfast yesterday was some cereal with milk; lunch was a bacon and avocado sandwich on a multi-grain ciabatta roll and an apple.

So, not everything I ate yesterday was exactly “diet” food, but my portions were controlled and I think I can lose weight on that amount of food.  It is not that kind of eating that got me this big.  It was the out-of-control eating and being addicted to sweets so that one serving was never enough that got me here.

As far as exercise, I walked the dog 3 times yesterday and did 30 minutes on the recumbent bike.

For breakfast this morning, I had cereal with milk again.  For lunch, I had a ham sandwich and an orange.  I still need to stock up on some more veggies, although I do have some frozen ones.

I had a couple of “surprises” (not in a good way) this morning.  I am going to have to call a family meeting.  I won’t go into detail – I don’t like anyone to think badly of my kids.  But I really have no one to lean on if they are not going to be dependable, so I had better learn to speak up better where they are concerned.  It makes me feel very alone that I don’t really feel like there is anyone I can talk to about it.  Let’s just say I am feeling a little “pillaged” right now.  I just looked up the definition to that word, and I guess it is a little strong.  My kids are leaning on me a lot right now, but I have no one I can lean on.  The load feels too heavy.  Things are about to get better, but right now, I feel a little used and abused.  I really have to speak up because I don’t need to be under this much stress.  I told them I wanted to have a family meeting, so now I just need to stick to that and say what I need to say.  Nobody else is looking out for me, so if I don’t do it, things will go on as they are.

I am working late tonight, the first night this week.  Of course, I would rather go home, but I will be glad when my paycheck gets here.  Right now, I am alone and the candy bowl was staring me in the face.  I put it down off of my cubie's ledge onto her desk where I can’t see it.  I have no intention of eating any, but seeing it every time I get up doesn’t help.  Plus, when she gets here in the morning, it sends her a message (I told her before I moved it out of sight because it tempts me).  My friend at work, who also has big-time weight issues, plus other issues (she is the one who was in ICU recently and still has not returned to work) told her that when she got back, that thing needed to disappear.  She is much more outspoken than I am, plus she is a supervisor.  My cubie still seems to think we are kidding.  She just doesn’t understand that for people like us, that is a real problem.  It’s like offering champagne to an alcoholic all the time.  Seriously.

For dinner tonight, so far, I have eaten some peanut butter and crackers.  I had some whole grain crackers with me and some natural peanut butter, so I had a few of those.  My intent, when I get home, is just to eat a little fruit or something and let that be it.  That’s enough calories for today.  Maybe a little something else – some yogurt or something.

I just want to make sure I am doing what I need to do every day to get the weight off.  I did not walk my dog at Noon.  The reason I did not was I got busy this morning and did not take my medicine on time.  I remembered it when I was about to leave for lunch, but it had no time to take effect.  I just didn’t feel up to walking without the benefit of the pain medication.  Now I will not get to do it tonight either, but that is one reason I like to do the recumbent bike workout in the morning.  You never know when things will get in the way of getting your exercise, so if you get it done first thing in the morning, nothing can.  So today it will just be the 1 walk and the 30-minute workout on the recumbent bike.  At least I am doing something.

That’s it for today.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Pep Talk to Myself -- What's It Going to Take?

I keep starting posts in the morning and add to them as the day goes on, and then it gets to be time to go home and I don’t get them posted.

How am I doing?  Let’s just say I am treading water, trying to stay afloat.  I got up Monday morning and this morning and did 30 minutes on the recumbent bike.  Monday I had 3 walks, Tuesday, I had 2 walks, and today I have had 2 walks so far.

I am doing better, at times, with the eating, and not so good at other times.  Really treading water there.  But I refuse to give up.  I know that pretty soon, I will get fully back on track and moving again.  I just have to keep fighting.

Pain issues are significant.  My knees, in particular, are hurting pretty badly.  It feels like someone is taking a knife and stabbing me, and twisting it at the front, inside part of my knees – both of them.  It used to only be the left one, but now the right one is doing it and it is worse than the left one.  This is the radiating pain I talk about.  I also have it at the backs of both knees (which is the sciatic nerve), but this pain at the front, inside part of my knees is worse.  It is from the 4-5 disc space where I have the spondylolisthesis.  It bothers me that it has gotten worse.  There are some days, walking to work, when I don’t know if I can keep doing this.  I can – you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even though it hurts – but if things get worse….  I know nerve damage is always a possibility.  I know getting my weight down would probably help this immensely.  I have also been having some “new” pain in my tailbone area.  It feels like the pain I have been having, but the area I am feeling it has broadened (or so it seems).  I have not been hurting down that low before and that worries me that another disc level has gotten involved.  I am also beginning to have more pain while sitting.  That is discouraging.  Before, at least it was only when I was up bearing weight.

Speaking of weight, I did get on the scale this weekend.  It showed a 10 pound gain.  I wasn’t surprised.  However, I have been lax about taking my BP medicine (which has a diuretic), so I know about 5 pounds of that is fluid.  I took my BP med yesterday and today.

I am still struggling with my cubie’s candy bowl.  When she is not here (at night, or if she is out), I move it out of my sight.  But I have to get strong and just make this absolutely off limits.  I have done that for a few days, and then I get weak and I am back at it again.  So far, so good today.

I went to the reflexologist on Saturday.  I can tell this is really going to help.  It is helping with the neck and headaches more than anything else, right now.  But I think with some more work, it will be helping my lower back and legs too.  The work she did on my legs was very painful.  She said my nerves or muscles, or whatever she was working on there, were like ropes.  I am going back again this Saturday.  I am going once a week, when possible, for a while, until we get things under a little better control.

I am taking a muscle relaxant regularly, which is something else that is helping the neck and headaches.  But it makes me so sleepy and draggy all the time.  I hate that feeling.  But it is better than a constant headache.  However, I sit at my computer and almost fall asleep sometimes because of it.

I had a conversation with a friend recently.  She struggles with pain issues like I do, so she understands where I am coming from.  I mentioned I would like to go to this certain event downtown, but that I didn’t think I felt up to it physically, because I would have to walk there, walk around and stand a lot at the event, and then walk home.  She said something about I ought to get a scooter so I could do things like that.  I told her I promised myself I would never be one of “those people” who got so fat, they had to ride a scooter around Wal-Mart.  She told me to look at it in a different way.  There are things I would like to do, but don’t participate in because I don’t feel able to physically.  So I am holding myself back from enjoying life because of this.  Wouldn’t it be better to have a way to get out and enjoy these things, even if it meant having to ride around on a scooter?  It doesn’t mean I would do that permanently.  But the mental lift I would get from actually getting out and enjoying things would help me to feel more like making changes necessary to improve my physical condition.  I would still look for every opportunity to get more activity.  But during times of increased pain and when a situation makes it necessary, why not take the help and get out and enjoy the activity?  I don’t know, but I am giving it some thought.  Of course, I don’t have a scooter, so that would be one issue.  And I can’t help but feel like that would be giving up, in a way.  But it wouldn’t have to be.  I don’t know.

I had written up to this point this morning and then had to get up to go do something after sitting for an hour or so at my desk.  The pain is always worst after sitting a while.  It took me a minute to brace myself before standing up, and when I did stand, the pain I experienced was the worst yet.  I don’t know why.  I had to stand there a minute and let the pain wash over me and pass a little bit before I could take a step.  My legs actually felt a little shaky.  The first few steps are always the worst.  I am not saying this for sympathy.  I am trying to let it sink in that I have to do something.  I cannot go on like this.  How bad does it have to get before I start doing more about it?

I could go to the doctor and ask for more (as in dosage) pain meds.  I could pay over $1,000 to get an injection (which has never done much good in the past).  But there is not much else I can do other than have surgery, and the surgery she would want to do is something they cannot do until I lose some weight.  It would be a 360 fusion, and that involves going in through the abdomen.  I have too much abdominal fat right now.  But if I lose down enough to remedy that situation, I might not need to have surgery.  I have to get serious about this.  I am in a vicious circle and I have to break out of it.  No one can do it for me.  If I don’t do anything about it, then I need to stop talking about the pain.  I’m just giving myself a pep talk here.  Why I have had to get to this level to find the motivation to do anything, I don’t know.  How does a person get to the place where they are in so much pain and they know what they have to do to improve things, but still have trouble doing it?  But I know there are many, many people like me.

Is it a lack of love for myself?  Possibly.  I have always struggled with that.  I am an intelligent person who has it together in so many other ways.  I don’t understand why I cannot get victory over this issue.  But I sure do want to get to the bottom of this and change whatever I have to to overcome in this area of my life.

I do know one thing.  The times in my life I have been successful in this area, I have to be almost 100% focused on it.  It is no wonder that all the things that have been going on in my life have distracted me.  It would be a lot for anyone to deal with.  Regardless, I have to switch my focus back to this.  I owe it to myself.  No one is going to do it for me.

The pain aspects add another layer of difficulty.  I cannot become a runner or focus on training for a marathon at this point.  There is only so much I can do physically.  I am going to have to look for more ways to get in more activity that I can handle.  Swimming is an option, but I am probably not going to be doing that this time of year.  I could find an indoor pool, but I don’t have much confidence that I would make that work in my schedule at this point.  I can walk, on a limited basis, I can do the recumbent bike, and I can ride my bicycle.  I could probably do a little bit of strength training, but I have to be wise about what I do in that area.  I will take a look and see what they have in our fitness center at the lofts.  I may have seen a rowing machine, and that may be something I can handle.  Anything where I don’t have to bear weight is better.

Now I just have to find a way to motivate myself to do it enough to make the difference.  If I know me (and I do), once I get going, I will be more motivated and I will start building on that.  There have been times when I get almost addicted to working out.  So I know I can get there.  The pain aspect just adds a little difficulty.  Hopefully once I drop 20-30 pounds, I will start feeling enough difference to where I can do more.  But I am going to venture to guess that I will never be a runner.  I have a knee that the doctor says I will probably need a knee replacement on in the next few years, plus all the back issues.  I’m going to need something lower impact than that.  If I want to do any kind of marathons or that type of thing, I will have to do it either walking, biking or swimming.

My plan tonight is to do another walk with my dog.  If I don’t feel up to that and have one of my kids walk him, I need to do the recumbent bike or my bicycle.  I have to start getting in more activity, whether I feel like it or not.

I also need to get back to posting more.  It is my accountability and it also motivates me to write about it.

So, that’s my pep talk to myself.  I hope it helps.