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Thursday, November 8, 2012

On the Edge

Beginning what was to be day 1 of withdrawing.  No side effects yet, of course, except no pain relief this morning.  I typically set my alarm at 4:00 a.m. and take a pain pill so that it has time to take effect before my alarm goes off again at 5:45 a.m., when I get up (or thereabouts) to go walk my dog.  When I say pain relief, I mean back and leg pain.  I just turned off the first alarm last night and did not take any medication at 4:00 a.m.  My alarm went off at 5:45 a.m.  I turned it off and promptly went back to sleep.  I woke up with a start and looked at my clock and it said 7:00.  I panicked, got up and started hurrying around, getting ready to get out the door to walk Cassie.  I was about ready to walk out the door, when I decided to check the temperature on my phone to see if I needed a jacket.  When I looked at my phone, the time said 6:00 a.m.!  I forgot.  I typically set my clock in my bedroom 10 minutes ahead, and then I have never changed it when the time changed.  Lol.  Usually when I look at it, I see the time and I calculate that it is really so-and-so o’clock.  I don’t know why I do that.  In this instance, I guess it really worked.  I had already reconciled it in my mind that I was probably going to be late for work.  It was really only a few minutes after my alarm went off.

My headache this morning is on the mild side of moderate.  My pain level otherwise is not too bad, but I was noticing it more as I walked to work this morning.  Hips and knees and back were hurting more.  Maybe I should take something else early morning, but I really need to have something in my stomach if I take an anti-inflamatory med, so I probably won’t do that.

As I go through my morning, I see how much good the pain meds were doing, as far as the bodily aches and pains.  Headache is definitely better, but why?  If it is rebound, wouldn’t it be hurting more?  I do notice that my neck and shoulders are not hurting as bad.  They are not so tight.  I would attribute that to the muscle relaxant last night.  I had been out of those for a few weeks and that situation had been building up.  I don’t know what to think.

One thing I know.  I have to get moving on the weight loss.  I cannot take pain meds indefinitely.  If it is not rebound now, it will be.  I have to get to where I don’t have to take those on a daily basis.  I have been really nervous about getting to the place where I cannot do my job.  It is one thing for my back to hurt, but the headaches have been making it difficult to function.  I have to get better.

My mind is popping everywhere this morning.  I left my muscle relaxants home this morning (accidentally), so I popped home to get them (that is the advantage of living 5 minutes from work).  As I walked home, I realized not having the pain medication could be a problem with me having to walk so much now.  It was painful to walk home.  I got the muscle relaxant and walked back to work.  I was having quite a bit of pain in my hips, legs and knees, as well as pain shooting up the back of my heel.  That was going to be really tough with having to walk everywhere.  I took a half of a muscle relaxant when I got back to work.

By lunchtime, it was time to take a dose of medicine, just to avoid withdrawal symptoms (for the weaning process).  Still not much of a headache, but a little of one.  Not like I was having the last few days.  I did not go to lunch until 2:00 because my boss had a hearing that I had to get him off to.  I went home at lunch and walked my dog.  It was quite painful and it took a lot of effort, because of the pain.  I think I am going to have to have more pain control at this stage of the game.  And, the way the headache is acting today, it does not seem like it is rebound.  The muscle relaxant seems to be making the difference.

So here is my game plan.

1.     Continue with the pain meds for now, trying to take them as little as possible and only using them to facilitate keeping moving for weight loss purposes.

2.     Weight loss efforts have to begin NOW.  Not Monday, not tomorrow, but NOW.  Do the best I can with the food I have now.  Stay away from the candy bowl.

3.     I have a doctor’s appointment and an appointment with a reflexologist scheduled for Monday to work on the headaches, plus I will continue with the muscle relaxants.  I will also work on some neck exercises I found for cervicogenic (neck-related) headaches.

4.     Reassess the medication situation in one month.  If I am not making progress on weight loss, do I need to continue with pain meds?  They should be used to help me keep moving for weight loss.  Can’t stay on them forever.

 I am tempted, once again, to do something a little more drastic, diet-wise.  I need to get my weight moving.  But would I do it, for one thing?  Some things I thought about:  Medifast, Nutrisystem, Gastric Bypass.  Gastric Bypass is a no.  My insurance won’t pay for it (it is excluded).  I don’t really want to do it that way anyway.  And there is no guarantee it would be a lasting result.  I have thought about doing Medifast as a way to get some weight off fast, so I could get to feeling better physically, and then move to something more long-term.  I just don’t know if I could make myself do it.  I can’t make myself do the more moderate thing right now.  Same thing with Nutrisystem, although it is more moderate than Medifast.  I may do the Subway Diet again when I get paid.  It was my compromise last time.  A way to have a plan I didn’t have to give much thought to, it was convenient, and it worked.  But I did get tired of it.

I just feel very tired and discouraged.  But I want to get to feeling better.

This post probably seems disjointed.  I don’t feel very coherent today.  I really want to get free of having to take any medication.  I wonder if that will ever happen.  I feel on the edge.  Like I want to cry at the drop of the hat.  Like I am just barely hanging on to being able to handle my usual schedule.  Like something’s got to give.  But I don’t know what to do about it, except to just keep trying. And trying to be good to myself as best I can.

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