Well, I’m still here. My life seems to be about extremes lately. The extremes in my life include:
1. Since June, my daughter has had 3 surgeries and 2 life-threatening illnesses;
2. My daughter (same one) lost her job and has been unable to find a like job to replace the one she lost (although she is working at a much lower paying job); I am having to take up the slack financially;
3. I moved from the country to the city and now have an empty nest, sort of;
4. My son disappeared for a number of days so that those close to him became so concerned about him, a missing person’s report was filed; although he has been found, he walked out on the job he had because it had become such a stress producer in his life, he was “having to get drunk every day” just to face going;
5. I never seem to have any lack of work, working from 50-65 hours per week, officially, and up to 75 hours per week, unofficially (with extra projects for my boss lately), the last example being that I worked until 3:00 a.m. Tuesday morning;
6. I can’t seem to stop eating, or at least eating the wrong things.
I actually started this post on Tuesday. My days have been so packed full and “push, push, push” that I haven’t had time to think about anything else. I am exhausted (although a little better today).
Here is a question for you. Why are “thin” people always the ones who have candy bowls on their desks? They seem to delight in watching other people empty it. My cubie is one of those. I need that candy bowl to go away. But if my mind were where it should be, it would not matter if the candy were there or not. It wouldn’t bother me.
I wrote that last paragraph on Tuesday. Yesterday, it was my goal not to touch that candy bowl, and I did not. And I have not touched it today. I will build on that.
I have been feeling like I am gaining a ton of weight (although I have not weighed). I have caught glimpses of myself in windows/mirros as I was walking by, and it seemed like I was getting really big. But then I put on a pair of pants yesterday that had gotten really loose and they were still really loose. I keep forgetting to take my BP medicine, which has a diuretic in it, so maybe that is one thing making me feel that way. And if I got on the scale, that would show up. But I have been avoiding the scale.
I have a little hope that I will go home on time today. This may be the only day this week, but I’ll take what I can get.
I have decided I have to speak up about my needs more. I did speak up last night. I told my boss I was exhausted and I needed to finish up what absolutely had to be done and go home. I still worked until 8:15. I was so tired I was not cheerful. If you knew me, you would know that is a big deal. He said he was really worried about me when I left, because I am never like that. I was just so exhausted. I found out when I got home that part of it was that I needed to eat a decent meal. I felt a little better after eating.
I did not sleep very well last night, but at least it was still resting. My mind was too active. I kept waking up and having difficulty going back to sleep, and I kept dreaming about work tasks. That and pain issues. All the work and the fatigue have not helped with that.
Anyway, I know that some days are just going to make this impossible, but I have decided to tell my boss that if he knows he is going to need me to stay late, then I need to be able to take a good lunch – perhaps even a longer one than the norm. I need to be able to go home and eat a decent meal and to walk my dog. I need to make him understand that it is not just for my dog that I need to do this. If I don’t, when I get home, he is too restless and then he drives me nuts so I cannot rest. If I get home at 8:30 or 9:00 p.m., I am probably not going to be able to walk him for any distance. I wouldn’t feel safe. So I need to get him a good walk at lunch.
I know it sounds strange that I have to ask my boss to take a lunch, but here’s the deal. My boss is a late night person. We may work late and then he doesn’t come in to the office until almost Noon, and then he is ready to get to work. But I have been there since 8:30 and it is time for me to go to lunch, but sometimes I don’t get to because of this issue. I haven’t been able to come in later in the morning after working late a lot of the time lately because we seem to have something going on – like a deposition taking place, a document that needs to be prepared in time for a meeting, or something else that requires me to be there “on time”. And then I don’t get to take a lunch and then I end up working until 8 or 9:00. My boss doesn’t think about that I am not coming in at Noon like he is. I am going to have to keep reminding him of that. I just can’t keep doing this. I feel ready to fall apart.
I also want to talk to him about having enough time to get some exercise every day. If he wants me to work late, even if I could take a walk or something at 5:30 or so, and come back to finish out, that would be good. I have to take better care of myself. And I have to eat a decent meal at lunch and dinner. No more having dinner out of my cubie’s candy bowl. If he expects me to work this much, he is going to have to help take care of me in other ways. I HAVE to start speaking up about this.
Now, for some good news. My bike is here! I haven’t gotten to pick it up yet, but will by or on the weekend. I can’t wait! I got my bike leash, so I can run Cassie a little bit when I ride. I hope I do okay with this. I know I will have trouble with hills, so hopefully I can find a flat stretch to start out with on the Katy Trail, even if I have to just go back and forth, until I build up a little strength and stamina.
That’s it for today. I need to get moving again, but life has been too overwhelming to focus. I really need a break.