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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Trying to Get Motivated

I am still not doing very well food-wise.  Actually, if I look at it, I am not doing horribly, and maybe if I cut myself some slack for a few days, I would do better.  I need to focus on making positive steps, and then build on it from there.

I did get my chicken soup made.  It was just that I wanted some bread with it and I ate some whole wheat sandwich thins with some no sugar blackberry jelly.  Now, that really wasn’t that bad, was it?  But I felt like I was being bad because I am trying to pressure myself to eat little to no bread and that is what I am wanting right now.  Maybe the timing isn’t right for that just now.  I need to wait for some things to settle down.

I was having kind of a leisurely night, watching some old videos (Anne of Green Gables), because I still don’t have cable.  I felt like I needed to do at least something productive, so I got up and did a little cleaning around the apartment.  As usual, as I got started, it made me want to keep going, and it felt good to get a few things done.  So I am going to set some goals of getting some things done tonight.  Not too much.  Just enough to make some progress.

I can’t believe how much more time I have at home these days.  I left at 6:00 last night, and since it only takes 5 minutes to get home, I had almost 4 hours at home before I went to bed.  Plus, I have a lot more time in the morning.  That is why I made this move.  Right now, I set my alarm for 5:30, and when my alarm goes off, I take my pain medicine.  Then I go back to sleep until about 6:00.  That is because, right when I get up, I need to take Cassie out to walk and potty, and pain is significant in the morning.  So, I take him for a short walk and then come back in and get my bath, do some things around the apartment and get ready.  I really have enough time to do a 30-minute workout, and I need to start doing that.  I still haven’t gotten the guy out to look at my bike – he keeps having something come up, or I do – but he is supposed to come Saturday.  Until then, I will have to go to the fitness center.  I also want to make use of the hot tub to soothe my painful back, etc.

I think if I could get back into some workouts, my eating will start falling into place better.  Wouldn’t hurt my stress either.  I will get groceries this weekend to facilitate eating healthier.

I have one “problem”.  There is a CVS right next to my building.  I figured out that I can go out my apartment door a few steps to the parking garage, down the elevator, out the doors to the outside, a few steps and I am at CVS.  Pretty handy, right?  But if I am in the mood to eat something I shouldn’t, it is almost too handy.  Too easy to get candy or ice cream, etc.  I haven’t done that much, but the thought is near when my mind is not set.  That is why it is important to keep fruit and things I like to eat and that are good for me available.  Because it is too easy to go and get things that are not.  Plus there are all kinds of restaurants around.  I am not too inclined to take advantage of those, but they are there.

The thing is, if my mind is where it should be, these things would not bother me.  I am not going to do it no matter how convenient it is.  But if it is not, then I am likely going to find a way to do what I want to do anyway.  It is still not like having junk food in my house.  I have to at least make myself look a little presentable to leave my apartment and go to CVS.  And sometimes I am not in the mood to do that.  :)

The doctor started me on the generic of Topamax for my chronic headaches.  I am a little hesitant to start on yet another medication, but having a constant headache is very tough on my motivation.  And Topamax has been shown to help with weight loss, and at least does not make you gain weight like some other migraine medications do.  I took my first dose last night, so it will be a while before I see if it helps.  I have to admit it would be wonderful not to struggle with headaches constantly.  Ultimately, I hope to deal with them nutritionally.  Until then, we will see if this helps.  I was all ready to start on the eating program recommended in Blood Sugar Solution after my move, but my motivation is not there right now.  I need to go back and read through some of it again and hopefully that will help.  And I will wait until I am a little more settled.

Steph continues to look for work.  When she gets back to work, that will help my disposition exponentially.  Fortunately, my monthly expenses for necessities do not use all my income, so I can leave off discretionary stuff and still have money to help Stephanie until she gets a job.  I just wanted to be getting free of having to do that and I am frustrated about this.  But we do what we have to do for those love, don’t we?  I am thankful that I am able to, since it is necessary. I wish their father could help with some of these things, but even following that line of thought leads to some very negative emotions that are better left alone, so I will focus on being thankful that I am able to help.  It is not like any of this is Stephanie’s fault.

I was feeling overwhelmed yesterday because of Stephanie’s situation, plus my son is borrowing my car while trying to get his fixed and has had to borrow a little money here and there while he is trying to get his own situation worked out (deposits and extra expenses associated with his new place), plus Bethany’s car is having a problem and I am having to loan her money to make sure her car is running properly.  It was taking a lot of discipline not to despair.  I was watching Anne of Green Gables last night and Anne was going through one of her dramatic episodes, talking about the “depths of despair.”  Marilla tells her that “to despair is to turn one’s back on God.”  That’s really true.  Need to get my stinkin’ thinkin’ pointed in the right direction.  So we will just cross those bridges when we come to them.  No point worrying about them in advance.

I just got back from my lunchtime walk with Cassie.  I put his backpack on him to tire him out more.  When we got done, we were waiting for the elevator to go back up to my apartment and he lay down and was panting.  Usually he is pulling at the leash, so I guess the walk did its job.  I know it tired me out!  I went further than usual today.  By the time I walk home, take him for his walk and then walk back to work, I have been walking for the better part of an hour, so that is a pretty good workout for me.

When I got back, lunch was the chicken soup I made last night.  I must admit, after the walking, hot soup is not exactly what I was wanting.  I was hot!  At least it is starting to get cooler.

When I am around my apartment building, it occurs to me that there is plenty of opportunity for stair climbing.  Unfortunately, that is not something I can do right now.  But if I get to where I can, that would be a good exercise opportunity.  I live on the 4th floor, so I could always take the stairs instead of the elevator.  A goal, anyway.  I hope my back will improve that much with weight loss.  Huh, I’m wishing I could climb stairs.  Go figure.

Two days in a row I have come back from lunch with a more positive attitude.  I think that is the exercise.  That tells me I need to start doing that morning workout and my outlook will improve.  I have been kind of down in the morning.  That is partly because that is when my pain is the worst and I start to feel a little hopeless.

My goal is to finish getting everything put away and decorated by the end of this weekend.  One problem is that I am trying to find places for things that I really don’t have room for and I really don’t need.  I just need to get rid of that stuff.  I have felt bogged down about finishing, and that is why.  Time to kiss it goodbye.  Less clutter is better, anyway.

Hoping my motivation starts to increase in the next few days!


  1. Do or do not. There is no try. -Yoda

    Always true, unfortunately. Sometime you have to just do it.

  2. You are continuing to make great progress. Be careful not to lose perspective and be too hard on yourself for what are, really, minor setbacks or "mistakes". That constant bashing of yourself will eventually lead to giving up. You have to be gentle, yet firm, if that makes sense. That CVS being so close is tricky. I might have to banish myself from entering the store ever, ever, ever in order to stay sane. Keep it up!


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