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Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Hanging On

I’m still here.  I guess yesterday was my first day not to post.  Just too much stress, too much to do, and too much eating.  But no giving up!

I was telling myself that it is really important that I make it through this day.  I have to get through the first day back on track to get many more days on track under my belt.  But it didn’t happen today.  I am just not there yet.  They had a floor-wide luncheon today in celebration of the 4th of July, and I was too tired to resist.  However, I did try to rein things in and keep it reasonable.  Even if I am not doing everything correctly to the letter, it doesn’t mean I have to eat uncontrollably.  They had hotdogs.  I had one hotdog with a little chili and pickle relish on it.  I had a few tortilla chips with a small dip of chile con queso on it.  Then I had a couple of bite-size desserts and one little cup of fresh fruit on a cloud of Cool Whip.  I am guessing the Cool Whip was reduced calorie, because the person who brought it is really watching her weight.  I drank sparkling mineral water, so no calories there.

I did not work out this morning.  I overslept some.  I took a muscle relaxant yesterday (a half at work and the other half before I went to bed).  Usually I will not take a whole one unless I have plenty of time to sleep in the morning, because I know what it will do to me.  I thought I had taken the halves far enough apart, but I guess not.  I was groggy and draggy and just did not pull myself out of bed soon enough to get the workout done.

I think I have given myself an ulcer (I had one as a teenager and know how it feels).  My stomach is burning a lot.  I have been taking a lot of BC powders over the past months to deal with my chronic headaches.  I also use them to wean myself off of caffeine (specifically, SF Red Bulls, since I don’t drink coffee) when I am trying to do that.  With all the stress, etc. lately, it has taken its toll on my stomach.  And watching Stephanie go through what she has been through, I don’t want to go through anything like that.  So I have to stop taking the BCs.  I am going through a round of Prilosec to hopefully help my stomach heal.

That is one reason I took the muscle relaxant last night.  My headaches are usually caused by tension and I have been very tense in my neck and shoulders, which causes the headache.  Since I didn’t want to take a BC, I thought that might be helpful.  And it will be.  I just cannot take a whole one.  I have had a pretty severe “hardware” headache today (caused by the hardware in my neck after my cervical fusion).

I have been considering taking a yoga class to help with my back problems (my boss swears by it), but I never thought about that it might ultimately help my headaches.  Maybe the stretching would help with the tension in my neck and shoulders.  I don’t know if I can handle yoga yet, though.  I know it takes a lot of strength.  And I am not sure when I am supposed to work this yoga class into my schedule.  In the meantime, I need to do the stretching/strengthening exercises from my physical therapy.  I don’t know why it is so hard to make myself do that.  (Maybe because I am working every waking hour of the day, almost?)  I need to bring a copy of it to work so I can do some of the exercises throughout the day at work.  Note to self, do that tomorrow – I mean Thursday.

It seems like my life is such a delicate balance of handling pain issues so that I have the strength and motivation I need to be able to work out and do what I ultimately need to do to feel better, and that is lose weight.  I have had too little time the last couple of weeks to take care of myself adequately.  Hopefully things will let up soon.

Stephanie is still struggling.  Still cannot go to work and is still in quite a bit of pain, with quite a bit of nausea.  Hopefully time will heal.  However, she talked to her GI doctor’s office today (they called her), and they are concerned her pancreatitis might be worsening.  Another ER visit may be in store.  Ugh.

In the meantime, Bethany is doing really well with her weight loss efforts.  Here she is in her size 14 jeans!  (She has been as high as a 20 at one time.)  That girl is dedicated to her workouts.  That is one reason why I am handling so much.  I don’t want to ask her to stop doing what she is doing to take care of her sister.  I know how important momentum can be.  Don’t get me wrong; she does help.  But I try very hard not to take her away from her workout schedule.  That is one reason I do mine early in the morning.  I know there are a hundred things later in the day to keep me from working out, many of them not under my control.  If I get it done first thing in the morning, it is done and I don’t have to worry about it.  If I can get a second one in, that is great.

I hope the day off tomorrow will help some.  No juggling work and home and working out, etc.  I still feel like I need more rest.  Pain is still up from where it had been.  I have to get back on track.  I want to get to where I can put in extra workouts when my food intake is higher, but cannot with my current physical limitations.  Life just seems too danged hard right now.

Back to my usual Polyanna self – I know it will get better.  I just have to make it through this tough patch.

Stephanie posted the following on Facebook yesterday.

I just want to say I have THE BEST Mom in the whole world.
Through all of this junk we've been going through the last month
she has taken the best care of me.  I know I can be a bit high
maintenance at times, especially when I don't feel well and
and through it all she has been the most patient, giving and caring
mother. I honestly could not ask for a better mom. I love you 
mommy! Thank you for taking care of me.

I had been fighting tears all day (from stress), and the only thing that had kept me from it was that I knew it would do no good.  Yeah, well all that resistance went down the drain when I read this.  Oh well, tears are cleansing.  Guess I’m doing something right.

It’s 7:30 and I am still at work.  My boss said not to feel sorry for myself (in jest) because I was going home with $100.  Today, that works for me.  I have some big closet organizing plans when I move (the only way to get to my beautiful master bath in the loft I am moving to is to go through the big master closet.  I want it to be pretty and organized.  I want to buy everything I need for that at the Container Store.  I hope I can make it look as good as I want to.

Okay, I will wrap it up.  I blogged, which means I am still trying.  Need to keep the 40-pound goal before moving in the front of my mind.

Have a great 4th of July everyone!


  1. Just found your blog. Just try to take your weight loss journey one day at a time. That is the only way I could lose weight. I am getting closer to goal but the whole process is a struggle, but lifechanging in a good way. You have done great so far.

  2. Thanks, Katrin. I really appreciate your encouragement.

  3. Glad to hear you're still at it. Just keep blogging, keep figuring out how this is going to work for you. We're all different. As long as you don't give up, you'll get there eventually. The Container Store puts their shelving stuff on sale twice a year. You might want to check when the next one is in case the timing works for you.

  4. Find a yoga class and take it. Yoga is awesome for stress relief and stretching and weight loss and building your strength without you even realizing it. Hatha yoga is really good for a beginner so maybe look for that.


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