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Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Me Again (June 6, 2012)

I know I posted this morning, but that was really for yesterday.  Lol.  This is today.

I was feeling kind of tired of Subway today.  I was thinking about walking down to Chipotle (which is a few blocks away) to get me a kids meal taco kit.  If I order correctly, I can get what I want for less calories than I get at Subway.  Then I remembered, we were having a firm luncheon today.  They had fajitas.  I made that work.  I had two corn tortillas with same fajita chicken and vegetables.  I topped them with the tiniest bit of shredded cheese (a tablespoon, if that), a tablespoon of guacamole on each and some pico de gallo.  They were delicious.  Total calories, 420, which is less than my Subway sandwich and baked chips. Then I had my grapes, which brought it to 525 calories.  I think I will go to Chipotle tomorrow.  I can get pretty much the same thing I had today.

I was so sleepy today.  I don’t know why.  I went to bed at a decent hour and did not take anything that should have made me feel extra draggy (although pain meds do that a little bit).  I could barely keep my eyes open sitting at my computer.  I took a short nap after lunch, in an empty office.

Before that, I went down and got one of those 5-hour energy shots.  I don’t think there is much danger of me getting addicted to those.  They taste awful!  I like SF Red Bull and could drink one every day if I could afford it and if I was not worried about aspartame poisoning.  I am sure these are not good either (they have sucralose, not aspartame, which is not good for you either), but I am not planning to do this often.  And I don’t want to.  They are awful!  But it did help wake me up.  Why was I so sleepy?  I guess it is the medication, but I don’t know.
I have been thinking about the bicycle I am considering buying.  I need to do some of the built-in programs on my recumbent bike.  They have some with “hills”.  That would help me prepare for riding outside.  That is what “scares” me the most.  I tried to ride in our neighborhood one time a couple of years ago on a “regular” bike.  You don’t notice how much incline there is on the streets in my neighborhood until you ride a bike.  It was very tough.  And I confess, I never tried again.  I am going to start doing a “hill” workout during some of my workouts and that should help get me ready for whenever I decide to buy a bicycle.  I could ride the bicycle on “my trail” too.

I am continuing to read this new blog and she talks about doing Wii step aerobics.  I was thinking, “Hey, I should do that.”  Then I remembered, I can barely walk around the neighborhood.  I spend 10 minutes before I get to work dreading the steps down from the street to the door into my building because steps hurt so much, and I am thinking I can do step aerobics?  I don’t think so.  That will have to be later!  I need non-weight-bearing, for the most part!

When reading other people’s blogs, I realize one thing.  I post more often than most people.  I guess no one has to read it if it is too much, but it is therapeutic to me.  Perhaps it is a sign that I have no life.  It’s true, I don’t have much of a life.  I work and I go home.  (I haven’t even been going to church in a while.  Need to decide what I am going to do about that.)  The last few months, I have been overwhelmed by two things:  work and pain.  It seems there has not been room for much else.  I recognize that I need to get out more, and particularly that I need to make friends.  Right now, my focus is on getting to feeling better.  Thank goodness for my friends at work.  I talk with them.  And I have my girls.  My plan is to focus on getting to feel better until I move on September 1.  After that, there will be opportunities for me to meet people in the loft community where I will be living.  And I need to decide where I am going to go to church.

My girls left the church we have been going to since they were fairly young and I have been trying to decide what I want to do.  I don't really want to go to theirs (it is too far away and it is very large).  I have no criticisms of my church except that  it is very large.  I have been feeling like I want to go somewhere smaller, but it seems silly to change until I move.  I may want to go somewhere “up north” and I know I won’t get up and do it while living in Midlothian.  And I haven’t felt like going to my church by myself, both physically and otherwise.  In one way, I think it is a time for me to pull back and get grounded in who I am – not as a mother or a wife – but just as me.  I want to go somewhere where I am not my history.  (My history is not bad, except that it is associated with the end of my marriage and the very abnormal way in which that happened.  That may not be in anyone else’s mind but mine, but I think it is, sometimes.  Some people look at me with this kind of pitying look.  I don’t want that.  That is not who I am anymore.)  I also want to be grounded in what I believe.  Not what my parents believed and not what my husband believed.  It is me and God.  That is what is important.  Not that relationships with other people are not very important.  But in the past, my relationship with God has been all tied up with what my parents believed or what my husband believed.  I need to know what I believe the Truth is.  So, not going to church the last while is not about backsliding.  My beliefs are as strong as they ever were.  But they are becoming my own, not anyone else’s.  I need my relationship with God to be more solidified.  I want to know Him.  Not just know about Him.  I know a lot about Him.  But I have always held myself at arm’s length.  It is time for that to change.

I have a fitness membership at 24 Hour Fitness.  I have not been in quite a while.  That is because, every time I went, I messed myself up and couldn’t walk for two or three weeks.  When I bought the membership, I also bought 3 sessions with a trainer.  I have used two of them (which was part of the reason I was messed up – I could do what he asked me to, it just created such a flare-up that I couldn’t do anything afterwards).  So, I have never used the third one.  A new trainer called me a couple of weeks ago (I guess my old one is not there anymore) and encouraged me to use my last session before I lost it.  I told her my problem and that I didn’t want to do anything to mess myself up again.  She said to come on in and they could design a workout regimen for me that would work for me (that’s what the other guy said, and he also worked for a physical therapy clinic!).  I wasn’t convinced, so I said I wanted to make the appointment in a month.  I have two and a half weeks until that appointment.  I am not sure I want to do it.  The two training appointments I had before were before I went through withdrawal and gained weight, so I was probably 15-20 pounds lighter then than I am now.  It doesn’t make me very confident.  I am just going to have to be very vocal and if I think they are having me do something that will hurt me, I need to speak up.  The good thing is, I can still do my bike workouts even if I have a flare-up.  So at least I have that going for me now.  When I was trying to walk on the treadmill and elliptical, getting messed up meant I could not work out and that wasn’t doing me any good.  I mostly would like them to give me some very basic strength training exercises.  Not any getting down on the floor – just using free weights so I can do it at home.  Right now I am car pooling and it is hard to get to the gym (especially with my work schedule).  When I move, I can (and the lofts have a fitness center too).

Well, I'm going to bed a little early.  Let's see if I can be a little more energetic tomorrow.

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