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Monday, June 4, 2012

I'm On My Way (June 4, 2012)


I always start these blogs earlier in the day and then end up posting late.  It was a good day.  No problems getting right back on track after my splurge Saturday.  (I am always concerned about that.)  I have never gone on a program with a splurge built in every once in a while.  I know you can do that with WW, but I never did.  I think it is a very good idea.  I love sweets and desserts.  I could eat them non-stop, and I used to think the only way to control it was to just not eat them at all.  But this seems to be working for me.  If I want something, I know I will get to have something in two weeks, at the most, and it causes me to be more selective about what I want to eat.  In the past, if sweets were around, I felt almost “obligated” to eat them.  They pulled at me until I gave in.  These days, I tell myself no, unless it is my planned splurge.  And it makes me enjoy the sweets I do eat so much more.

I feel pretty decent today, except I have a significant headache.  I am not sure if I have ever explained one of the reasons I get headaches sometimes, these days.  I had neck surgery almost a year ago (double fusion of the cervical spine).  As a result, there is some hardware in my neck where they fused the vertebrae together.  Sometimes, I can feel it when I swallow or talk.  Particularly when I sing (and I am a singer).  If I move my neck in ways I “shouldn’t,” it will set off a bad headache.  It feels like it is because of the hardware.  Ultimately, I would like to get it removed, but it would cost a lot, since I have not met any of my deductible.  I sang for the Dallas Symphony Chorus in 2009, and would like to again, but I do not think my voice would hold up now.  It gets tired because of feeling that hardware and starts feeling “hoarse.”  So that is another reason I would like to get it removed at some point.  When I am at home, I wear my cervical collar sometimes because it helps keep my head in the right position so I don’t feel that “hardware thing.”  I almost always wear it when I sleep.  That is the kind of headache I have today.  I feel the hardware in my neck, which is uncomfortable, and it has triggered a bad headache.  Thank goodness it does not happen every day (I don’t know why).  Sometimes a muscle relaxant will help.  I took a half of one, but so far, it hasn’t done any good.  But I will take this over the pain I was in before the surgery any day.  That was not fun, at all.

I had over 60 hours on my time sheet last week.  And it was a 4-day week.  It makes me tired just to think about it.

I noticed today my confidence is back.  In 2009, after losing 63+ pounds, my confidence was much improved.  I am getting back to that feeling.  The confidence does not have as much to do with how I look (although I do feel better about that), but about being in better control of my behavior and habits and doing positive things for myself.  I lost the confidence early this year because I had gotten into eating sweets constantly, bingeing , not exercising, etc.  Even though I got back into that behavior because of the withdrawal from medication and pain issues, I still felt like a big lump who had no future except to be in pain and, other than my job, go home and sit in my chair and stare at the TV all the time.  Today, I was walking downstairs, and I noticed my head was high again, and I meet the eyes of the people I meet and smile.  I like who I am and I do feel like I have a future.  Before, I felt like no one would ever want me as a wife (or even a date!) and beyond the value I have at my job, I didn’t feel like I had much.  Taking care of myself and exercising and making progress on my weight has changed my perspective.  I don’t want to ever get that down on myself again.  That is why it is so very important for me to stay proactive about exercising and eating right.  It not only affects my physical health, but it affects my emotional, psychological and spiritual health profoundly.  As I have said before, exercise is the best antidepressant there is!

This morning, in my 30-minute bike workout, I used my hand weights to get some arm work at the same time.  I used the 5-pound weight to do 3 sets of shoulder raises (lifting weight from shoulder up overhead and down) and 3 sets of bicep curls.  Then, I used the 3-pound weight to do my triceps.  It had another good effect.  Sometimes I am so focused on the time that it seems like that 30 minutes goes by really slow.  This distracted me and the time went by so much faster and I didn’t need to rest at all.  Usually I have to stop for a few seconds a few times.  I think that is more psychological than anything.  But I am glad I discovered this.  It made my workouts “harder,” and therefore, that much better of a workout.  But not harder in that they would be hard to face.  I’m going to try to use the elastic bands on the doorknob during my next workout and see how that works.  I can do some seated rows and other exercises that use my arms, shoulders and chest.

I have done 6 workouts this week, so far (beginning on Saturday).  That feels so good.  I got off work at a reasonable hour.  I got home and ate my dinner and then took my dog for a walk.  I forgot to time it, but when I got home I asked my daughters how long they thought I was gone.  They said about 20 minutes.  I wanted to get a 30-minute workout, so I did 10 minutes on the bike.  Now, I just have to do more working workouts in the morning and I have my 10 for the week.  But I will walk my dog some more in the evenings if I get off on time and feel up to it.  Tonight I had little pain while walking.  That’s a break-through.

It’s almost 10:00, so I am going to hit the hay.  Good night all.  I am well on my way to where (and who) I want to be.

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