So, I only needed a little of one loaf and we had 3. We did a little snacking on the rest of the bread. I did a little – my daughters did a lot! All before my meal was done.
The meal I cooked was Ultimate Beef Tacos (from Tyler Florence). I made most of the components he had with the meal, including the roast corn and the guacamole. It took a lot of time to get all that done. I did the guacamole early and we did some snacking on it with Multigrain Tostitos I had bought for the occasion. The guacamole was really good. By the time I ate the rest of my meal with two tacos (which I couldn’t finish) and two ears of corn with the topping, I was very full. Then I ate my bread pudding (which was delicious, only I would have liked some ice cream on it; the berries were very tart; but the bread pudding was awesome). When I finished all that, I was miserably full. The tacos did not turn out as good as I hoped, but everything was good. I just didn’t feel as good about it since I began with the bread and then chips and guacamole and then the meal and dessert. That was too much. However, we ate mid-afternoon, so it was basically my lunch and dinner and that should lessen its effect.
When I got up this morning, something set off those feelings of wishing I could fast forward to further in this process. Again, I reminded myself how important the process is because that is where the life-long changes are made. What set it off was wanting to wear some smaller clothes I have in my closet. My motive is never that I want to go back to eating uncontrollably. It is usually that I want the results – nicer clothes, less pain, etc. – sooner.
I don’t know if I will cook a big meal like that again for a while. It is a lot for me in my current condition. It absolutely wears me out by the time I cook everything and then get it cleaned up. There was so much to do to get the meal all done that I wasn’t very neat while I was cooking, which made a lot of clean-up. That is why the plan that I have now works for me. I save the energy it takes to prepare meals and to clean up to get my workouts done, etc. I still need that for a while, especially as many hours as I work. Of course, I can cook meals that take a lot less trouble than the one I cooked today. I just have to find a balance. I don’t think I am going to get a workout done tonight. I have been on my feet too much and I am exhausted.
I am trying to go through things I might want get rid of in preparation for moving on September 1. I was going through my books and I found a journal I had kept (for a short time) in 2006. This was a couple of years after my divorce. I had actually tried to reconcile my marriage during the months prior to this. That was more about trying to do what I thought was right, as opposed to what I really wanted. I also think I was still acting out of that same mentality that caused me to be diagnosed with battered wife syndrome. I tended to look at things as my fault a lot. When I was writing in this journal, I had just found out that my ex had remarried. Now, I know that was the best thing that could have happened, because I let go and now I am so glad a reconciliation never happened. As far as I can tell, he is still as delusional and “not well” as he ever was. He does nothing to try to have a relationship with his children, yet he went to a great effort to try have me declared an unfit mother. I am quite sure he would tell you it was all my fault and all of that is one big reason I was a “battered” wife. It was not physical abuse, but emotional, psychological and spiritual. Getting free from that, frankly, was the best thing to happen to me. It was at that point, when I finally let go, that I started getting better. Thank God He did not allow that reconciliation to happen!!! It would have been disastrous for me.
Anyway, reading the journal helped me see how very far I have come. My self-esteem was so low at that time, it almost did not exist. I think getting free from that was the strongest thing I have ever done. Two of my children predict that if I had not gotten out when I did, they would be dead. My daughter actually attempted suicide three times and my son was on a destructive path that probably would have led him to death by some destructive behavior. I am so thankful I got away from it when I did. I see now that I am much more able to make decisions to make changes and actually stick to them than I was then. I just wish I had gotten there before I developed all these physical problems.
So, I have enjoyed the rest this weekend, but I am kind of ready to get back to routine tomorrow. I need to get focused again. I know in this life-long journey of weight loss and then weight maintenance, there will be many times when I lose focus and I have to find a way to get through and get it back. I have not totally lost focus, but I don’t feel as focused as I did for the past month. So I have to be careful to get right back to the things that will ensure my success. I did a workout this morning, but it was kind of hard to make myself do it after not doing one for the last two days. I wish I could have taken a walk or something, because I was more in the mood for that, but the recumbent bike has to be it for now. So tomorrow morning, it is back to it!!!