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Monday, May 28, 2012

Splurge Meal and a Look At the Past (May 28, 2012)

So I had my splurge meal today.  The biggest problem with it was that it was a little open-ended – mostly before the meal was supposed to start.  I cooked today.  I like to cook when I have time and I like to try new recipes that I see on cooking shows.  Today’s meal was a big undertaking.  For dessert, I wanted to make a Berry Brioche Bread Pudding from a recipe I saw.  I decided to make the Brioche myself.  I didn’t realize how complicated the recipe would be.  Not that it was too hard, I just didn’t know it required being in the refrigerator overnight, so I had to delay my splurge meal a day.  The Brioche recipe made 3 loaves (so the recipe said).  I only needed a little for my bread pudding.  If I made the Brioche again, I would make it 2 loaves, at the most – maybe even just one.  By the time the dough rose to double in size for the last rise, it only came halfway up the sides of the loaf pan.  The Brioche loaves I have seen are very tall.  The texture was wonderful and the bread very good, but I thought the recipe was faulty in that way.

So, I only needed a little of one loaf and we had 3.  We did a little snacking on the rest of the bread.  I did a little – my daughters did a lot!  All before my meal was done.

The meal I cooked was Ultimate Beef Tacos (from Tyler Florence).  I made most of the components he had with the meal, including the roast corn and the guacamole.  It took a lot of time to get all that done.  I did the guacamole early and we did some snacking on it with Multigrain Tostitos I had bought for the occasion.  The guacamole was really good.  By the time I ate the rest of my meal with two tacos (which I couldn’t finish) and two ears of corn with the topping, I was very full.  Then I ate my bread pudding (which was delicious, only I would have liked some ice cream on it; the berries were very tart; but the bread pudding was awesome).  When I finished all that, I was miserably full.  The tacos did not turn out as good as I hoped, but everything was good.  I just didn’t feel as good about it since I began with the bread and then chips and guacamole and then the meal and dessert.  That was too much.  However, we ate mid-afternoon, so it was basically my lunch and dinner and that should lessen its effect.

When I got up this morning, something set off those feelings of wishing I could fast forward to further in this process.  Again, I reminded myself how important the process is because that is where the life-long changes are made.  What set it off was wanting to wear some smaller clothes I have in my closet.  My motive is never that I want to go back to eating uncontrollably.  It is usually that I want the results – nicer clothes, less pain, etc. – sooner.

I don’t know if I will cook a big meal like that again for a while.  It is a lot for me in my current condition.  It absolutely wears me out by the time I cook everything and then get it cleaned up.  There was so much to do to get the meal all done that I wasn’t very neat while I was cooking, which made a lot of clean-up.  That is why the plan that I have now works for me.  I save the energy it takes to prepare meals and to clean up to get my workouts done, etc.  I still need that for a while, especially as many hours as I work.  Of course, I can cook meals that take a lot less trouble than the one I cooked today.  I just have to find a balance.  I don’t think I am going to get a workout done tonight.  I have been on my feet too much and I am exhausted.

I am trying to go through things I might want get rid of in preparation for moving on September 1.  I was going through my books and I found a journal I had kept (for a short time) in 2006.  This was a couple of years after my divorce.  I had actually tried to reconcile my marriage during the months prior to this.  That was more about trying to do what I thought was right, as opposed to what I really wanted.  I also think I was still acting out of that same mentality that caused me to be diagnosed with battered wife syndrome.  I tended to look at things as my fault a lot.  When I was writing in this journal, I had just found out that my ex had remarried.  Now, I know that was the best thing that could have happened, because I let go and now I am so glad a reconciliation never happened.  As far as I can tell, he is still as delusional and “not well” as he ever was.  He does nothing to try to have a relationship with his children, yet he went to a great effort to try have me declared an unfit mother.  I am quite sure he would tell you it was all my fault and all of that is one big reason I was a “battered” wife.  It was not physical abuse, but emotional, psychological and spiritual.  Getting free from that, frankly, was the best thing to happen to me.  It was at that point, when I finally let go, that I started getting better.  Thank God He did not allow that reconciliation to happen!!!  It would have been disastrous for me.

Anyway, reading the journal helped me see how very far I have come.  My self-esteem was so low at that time, it almost did not exist.  I think getting free from that was the strongest thing I have ever done.  Two of my children predict that if I had not gotten out when I did, they would be dead.  My daughter actually attempted suicide three times and my son was on a destructive path that probably would have led him to death by some destructive behavior.  I am so thankful I got away from it when I did.  I see now that I am much more able to make decisions to make changes and actually stick to them than I was then.  I just wish I had gotten there before I developed all these physical problems.

So, I have enjoyed the rest this weekend, but I am kind of ready to get back to routine tomorrow.  I need to get focused again.  I know in this life-long journey of weight loss and then weight maintenance, there will be many times when I lose focus and I have to find a way to get through and get it back.  I have not totally lost focus, but I don’t feel as focused as I did for the past month.  So I have to be careful to get right back to the things that will ensure my success.  I did a workout this morning, but it was kind of hard to make myself do it after not doing one for the last two days.  I wish I could have taken a walk or something, because I was more in the mood for that, but the recumbent bike has to be it for now.  So tomorrow morning, it is back to it!!!

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