I’m starting my blog a little early today, I guess.
I’m struggling. I’m not struggling with wanting to eat outside of my plan or in wanting to quit. I am just so weary of being in pain and what it takes to get through my days. The thing that is the most difficult the last few days is that I am so tired and sleepy. I have tried to figure out why. I am getting a decent amount of sleep, and although I work a lot of hours, I don’t feel that is the problem. The problem is the medication I am taking.
A few weeks ago, my pain level had gotten worse than it had ever been, as far as my lower back problems. The pain shooting down the backs of both legs had increased quite a bit, and would shoot down my left leg and it felt like exploded in my calf area. I would take a step and gasp. Walking around was not very bearable. Plus, I was in a lot more pain all over just sitting in a chair. I was getting teary and depressed and hopeless feeling. One thing I have feared is losing mobility. It seems when overweight people lose their mobility, that is when you see a person get “super obese.”
I could have back surgery, but cannot have the one they recommend because it involves going in through the abdomen and I have too much belly fat right now for that to be advisable. I would either have to have the surgery that could potentially cause some very negative side effects, or wait until I have lost enough weight so they could do the recommended one, the 360 fusion. And there still could be plenty of side effects.
I do not want either surgery. My doctor has told me it is possible, if I lose enough weight, I would not need surgery. If my symptoms can abate without having surgery, that is the way I want to go. That is why I began this plan in earnest and why each day feels so important to me.
As part of my current plan, however, I decided I was going to have to go back to taking pain meds regularly. I need to be able to do what I have to do to get my weight down. I had to be in a better state of mind to be able to do that and pain reduction was necessary for that to happen. So the medications are a necessity right now. But they make me very tired and sleepy. I am fortunate that they do not completely knock me out, like they do some people, but I am still having to drag through my days. And that is tough from a motivation standpoint.
So, I am very much having to take things a day at a time. I was thinking this morning how long it will be before I can lose enough to feel better. I know at the weight I had gotten to before, I was still having substantial problems. So it could take losing at least 70 pounds before I am feeling halfway normal again (and that is just an estimate). In the meantime, I have to keep pushing through, no matter how I feel. There is no room for pity parties here. They do no good. So, when it looks too overwhelming, I ask myself, can I do today what I did yesterday? The answer is yes, I can. That is why I am focused on this 500 days thing, one day at a time.
Fortunately, it is not that I have to go along for week after week, feeling like I do now, until I get to a 70-pound weight loss, and then I magically feel better. There are improvements along the way and other things to motivate me as I go. I feel better about myself, clothes fit better and I get into smaller clothes, and I gradually get to feeling better. Hopefully it won’t be too very long until I can get by without the pain meds. That would do a lot for my energy level. Until then, I will just keep doing what I know to do. And that is to follow my plan – today. That is all I can do.
In the meantime, I am just trying to stay awake, which reminds me of another issue. When I am having a tough time, I have been drinking a SF Red Bull every once in a while. However, I have read some very bad stuff about aspartame and how it is linked to Alzheimer’s. My daughter was telling me about another article she read about it and how bad it is. Alzheimer’s is pretty prevalent on one side of my family (my dad died with Alzheimer’s). That is somewhere I do not want to go, if I have any say in the matter. So, no more SF Red Bull! And I won’t drink the regular ones for other reasons (like the empty calories!). I will have to find other ways to perk myself up. And I have to be very careful, because being tired has always been a big trigger for me. At some point, my current motivation is probably going to waver a bit and I will have to be careful. I tell myself it is VERY IMPORTANT that I get through this day. Each and every time.