Monday, January 8, 2018
Thursday, January 4, 2018
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Saturday, December 16, 2017
Thursday, December 14, 2017
There are some things in my life I feel so "done" with. Let's just hope I feel done enough to actually change them.
Mainly, I'm tired of being such a lone wolf. Because of fear, physical issues, working too much, etc., I have not made relationships outside of my family. That means the only people I really have to count on are my kids, and sometimes that is a little precarious because they have lives of their own. It's not that I want relationships that are all about what I need, but when you are in situations like I am in right now, it would make a difference if I had some people who had my back. The load feels so heavy right now. If I had a group of friends, I feel sure I could have called on them (say, a Sunday school class) to come help me with my move. A group of adult singles tends to pull together about things like that. But I am not involved anywhere, so I don't have anyone to call on.
I've said this many times, but I need to get back to church and make relationships there. The thing I have to decide is, since I am moving further away from where I had planned to get involved, is that still the right place, or do I need to look for something closer? It is still close in that I work downtown and the church is downtown. So if I get involved in music, which has its regular practices on Wednesday nights, I just have to go from my office to the downtown church. But to go to services, I will have to drive a ways to get there. Wherever I choose to do it, I am sure I just need to jump in and start getting involved. If I wait for the perfect time, it is never going to happen. And I am tired of feeling alone. I probably should just jump in and go Sunday; but I feel pressed about using all available non-working time to finish things up so we can move, so it will probably have to wait until after that.
I am just so tired of feeling so alone.
I am craving carbs and sugar quite a bit today. Really, what I am craving is comfort and help and rest. I may think eating comfort foods will help (and it will for a short minute), but it actually will make things worse because then I will have regret to deal with, and more importantly, added pain to deal with. I am limping around today, but I am hurting in so many places that limping does not help. My left hip (related to the pinching pain I described a couple of days ago) is hurting quite a bit today, as well as my right knee and my right Achilles. When you have pain on both sides, limping does not do any good because you are limping on both sides.
I wrote this part of this post on Tuesday and did not get it posted. Then I am skipping to Thursday, today. At least it gets things caught up a bit.
I am pooped! Exhausted! But there is so much to do.
Since writing the above, a little progress has been made. I updated portions to reflect that. I feel like I am not getting enough done at night, but I am just so tired!! Monday night I had to stop at Home Depot to get a few things needed, including a doorknob for the French doors -- we totally forgot about that. We also needed a shower curtain rod and I needed a curtain rod (among other things). Tuesday night we did not have any "help" there and I worked on finding my clothes and coats as mentioned above. I know there is another box of clothes somewhere, but I did enough to have a decent selection of something to wear, and I found a couple of my coats. Last night I worked a little late and stopped off to get something to eat. I went to a grocery store intending to get something more healthy, but this grocery store was not great and I ended up just getting something I absolutely did not need and nothing else. The grocery store was in the same parking lot as a Whataburger and I talked myself into getting a vanilla milkshake there (an old behavior I had not indulged for a while) since I had already gotten the other at the grocery store. After eating, I was falling asleep in my chair and did not get anything done last night. I did get up this morning and put some things away in the kitchen -- emptied the boxes that were in there, for the most part.
I think, because of how tired I am, I need to set a goal of one or two things to accomplish each night (at least). It would be easy to just go home and watch a Christmas movie, but I need to make progress -- and Christmas is coming! I hope I can catch up over the next few days and not feel so drained. I think I am doing more than I am giving myself credit for, but there is so much to do! I am trying to begin a fast today, even if just a couple of days, so I don't have to worry about planning what to eat, fixing it or buying it, or cleaning it up. Plus, I need to get on a better track. I woke up with quite a bit of pain during the night! Pain is definitely up because of all the hard work, plus the increased inflammation from my sloppy eating. My shoulders were really hurting in the middle of the night. At least most of the heavy lifting is done, and I mean that literally.
So, tonight I think I will plan to work on finishing painting the pantry closet so I can get food stuffs put away and have them available to use. (I am going to need to make a "legal" dessert soon so I can get off this sugar trend and get to feeling better. I need an alternative that doesn't have the negative effects.) I also bought some shelf paper to cover the shelves in the pantry, so I can put that on. I also need to get all of the shelves back in my closet (for some odd reason, a girl who was helping us took all of it down!) so I can better put away all the stuff in my closet. The trouble is, I'm not sure exactly how it is supposed to work together.
I also need to go to the grocery store, but will probably wait a day on that since I am getting a fast going anyway. (We will see how I do on that.)
One thing I did not say earlier is that Bethany had a pretty significant wreck on the day the contractor worked on the "support beam" for my house. That is the reason my son-in-law's father was at their house. She is still sore, her car was totaled, and they are dealing with that issue. She is going to need follow-up care. She had run out of gas and was sitting on the side of the road with her emergency flashers on, waiting for roadside assistance, when she was struck quite violently from behind. She was on a freeway, so the guy was going 50 mph plus, and there is no evidence that he even applied his brakes. He was distracted and just did not see her. She had gotten out of the car to check on something and gotten back in on the passenger side, since there was a lot of traffic passing by on the driver's side. She did not have her seatbelt on because of that, but it likely saved her from hitting the steering wheel, anyway. Her back and neck are hurting her. They had bought this vehicle (used) earlier this year and it has been a lemon. They had just put a new engine in it. Hopefully they will get reimbursed for all that (they should, I believe). But this was just another blow in a series of events, one after another, that have made life a little rocky for them lately. I hope at least part of it will be a blessing in disguise -- that she will get a good settlement for the vehicle and out from under a problem vehicle. The insurance company already offered $1,000 more than they paid for it before learning about the recent work done on it. They submitted the receipts for that and are waiting to hear.
I know this post is very long, but I wanted to catch up a little bit. I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season!!