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Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Waiting for Results

Sunday

I didn't do so good on my eating today.  This is so hard when I am at the hotel, stress is high, and I am so tired.  I am more mentally tired than anything.  I also feel strange.  Could be the blood sugar issues, but I feel strongly that my electrolytes are off, too.  I have already notified my boss and office administrator that I am not coming in tomorrow. I'm going to go to a "Doc in the Box" and at least get my electrolytes checked.  I have felt for a long time that my potassium is low, but I worry that if it's high, I'm doing exactly the wrong thing by taking a supplement.  But I really feel I am not getting enough.  I need to know for sure and get this straightened out.  It has been going on a long time, but I'm feeling worse.

I also have to get us moved out of the hotel before Noon, and do enough at home where we can function.  I washed sheets and bedding some today while at the house, and will have to finish that and get them on the beds before Stephanie gets home from work.  She is not feeling well and will want to lay down and rest when she gets home.

I also need to get where I can cook what I need sooner rather than later.   I don't know if that will happen this week (before the weekend) or not.  There is so much to deal with.  I will have to do as good as I can, even if not the best.  One thing I need to make sure to do is up my water intake.

Honestly, the last few weeks, I am feeling more stressed than at almost any time in my life.  Only two other times were worse -- when my marriage finally fell apart and when my son was getting into trouble and ended up going to TYC (juvenile prison).  This time doesn't have all the heartache, but the stress has been waaaaay up there.

Tears are just under the surface.  I think that is stress coming to the surface, and it is okay to release them.

Monday

Did take off today, but it was not really a restful day.

I spent the morning getting the hotel suite cleaned out.  In the meantime, Stephanie was feeling pretty bad and ended up going home from work, so when I got home I helped her get comfortable.  We also had workmen here all day, finishing up putting in the baseboard, etc.  So it was not entirely restful and I couldn't work to put things away part of the time because I would have been in their way.  I haven't even gotten all the stuff brought in from the car yet.  I spent an hour on the phone getting our internet up and running again.  The cable is still not working, but at least we can watch Google Cast.

It got into the evening and I still had not gone to the doctor.  I've been needing to do this for many weeks.  So I went to a CareNow.  After describing how I was feeling, the first thing they did was hook me up to an EKG!  They also did some blood work and a urine test which is what I wanted them to do.  My EKG was normal, although he said he was going to send it to a cardiologist to make sure.  (I really liked the doctor, by the way.  He was very caring and listened to me.)

What do I know so far?  I had a hefty bladder infection.  He seemed fairly concerned about my white blood cell count and I was running a fever.  He said there was a significant amount of blood in my urine, as well a significant amount of sugar.  He put me on a fairly strong antibiotic.  My blood sugar?  100 -- at 8:30 in the evening, a couple of hours after drinking a milkshake.  That actually made me feel a little better.

After we discussed all the things I had been dealing with lately, he gave me a note for work and told me to stay home tomorrow.  The rest of the results will take two or three days and he wants me to come back in.

Wednesday

I did take off yesterday.  I tried to rest as much as possible.  I was told the painters would come today, but they came yesterday.  So I had to deal with that.  They left early afternoon and then I took a long nap.  I kept thinking of all the things that needed doing and had to keep reminding myself that I was supposed to be resting.  And I did rest.

I went back to work today.  I'm still not feeling great.  I continue to believe at least one problem is my potassium level.  We shall see.  My blood pressure was pretty high (170/110).  That can be a symptom of low potassium.  I felt kind of dizzy and fuzzy brained during the afternoon.  I took one potassium caplet and felt a little better.  The daily recommendation for potassium is over 4,000 mg.  One tablet is 550 mg.  Of course, you get some in foods, but nothing I ate today would give me that much.  But I am hesitant to take much until I know that is the problem because too much is dangerous.  The problem is, the symptoms for too much and too little are very similar.  That is why it has been so hard to figure out what was wrong.  But I continue to think it is low.  And I just want to feel better.

I continued to feel stressed and tears are under the surface.  I started on some 5-HTP yesterday to hopefully help with that.

I'm going to get this posted, since I keep failing to do that.  I will go back to the doctor tomorrow evening and get the rest of my test results.

Friday, August 10, 2018

Long Past Due

Well, I've been checking my blood sugar fairly regularly (at least once a day) and I am still concerned.  The lowest reading was the first evening.  The morning readings have been higher.  I need to check more mid-day and see what happens.  There is a thing called the "dawn phenomenon" that can make your morning readings higher.

In the meantime, I am eating better, but not perfect.  I continue to feel that something is "off."  Part of it may be blood sugar, and I feel certain that part of it is electrolytes.  I really need to go get that checked.  There have just been so many other things going on.

Yesterday I didn't eat a lot.  I had breakfast in the hotel (it's free).  I had eggs with cheese and some bacon.  I took some leftover Amy's Enchiladas for lunch (wanted to use them instead of throwing them out), but my stomach was feeling a little off, so never ate them.  I did eat some nuts.  I never ate dinner because I ended up working until almost 11:30 p.m.  (Sigh.)  In the hotel, I would have disturbed my daughter (who is still very much in recovery from back surgery, and just went back to work Wednesday, so she needs her rest) to get something to eat, so I just ate a stick of cheese we had in the fridge.  Besides, I was exhausted.  Today I ate the enchiladas, after breakfast at the hotel.  That's not good for keto.  For dinner I had some salad with avocado and some cheese chunks.  I didn't feel like going to get anything and that's all I had at the hotel.  At this moment I would like something to eat, but there is nothing I should eat here (except some more avocado and cheese) and I am too tired to go get anything, so I will just leave it at that.

I won't be able to do any cooking this weekend, I'm pretty sure -- unless I can think of things to cook on the 2-burner cooktop at the hotel (there is no oven) -- so I will have to find a way to limp along until I can do some cooking.  A lot of our stuff is in the kitchen at the house, because I had to clear things off of floors and that and the bathroom and the garage were the only places to put things.  There is no room for cooking right now.

The easiest way to do things until we get home and settled would be to fast.  It would be great if I could make that happen, but I'm not sure I can.

Whatever is wrong, it is motivating me, and I will use it.  I am exhausted and need to sleep good tonight (on the couch at the hotel), so I have taken a muscle relaxant and some Melatonin.  I need to sleep!!  Even as tired as I was last night, I had a hard time going to sleep.  I was almost too tired.  But my mind would not shut down with all that is going on.

I would have called in today, but there was a motion that had to be filed.  My boss left for a short vacation this morning, which is why I worked so late last night.  (Must be nice.)  I will have a very good paycheck this time, anyway.  That will help with paying for the repairs on the house (had to meet my deductible), plus we are going to do some work on the bathroom.

If I can keep on track with my eating, get home in my own bed, get caught up on some rest, and a little less stress, hopefully I will not be so exhausted.  It is long past due.

Next I have to think about when I will have surgery on my heel.  It's not getting better and I need to take advantage of having met most of my deductible.  I can also get an injection on my back to help with that.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Troubles and a Wake-Up Call


I don’t really have time to do a post right now, but I have things on my mind.  I will have to do this post piecemeal (which I often do anyway).
I have started posts a number of times in the past weeks, but never got one finished up and posted.  There has been a LOT of tough stuff going on in my life.  I will try to catch up on that, but here is the main thing on my mind.

I have known I am not eating “right” and need to get back on track.  Things have been so stressful and hectic to the extreme that I just haven’t wanted to deal with it.  With all that has been going in my life, I am eating a lot of fast food, a lot of sugar, a lot of carbs – even drinking sugar sodas!  I never did that in the past, except once in a blue moon.  Sodas are absolutely the worst thing!  I just haven’t had the gumption to deal with it.  But…this morning was a little bit of a wake-up call.
I tested my blood sugar this morning, before eating.  It was 138.  That is diabetic level.  Now I know your blood sugar can fluctuate for various reasons, and I will check it again over the next few weeks to see how it averages out.  I also know sometimes the meter can give you a faulty reading.  But to tell you the truth, I have had this feeling for a few weeks that something was “off.”  After looking at the symptoms, I am having too many to be comfortable with.  Most can be explained by other things, but the fact that I am having several concerns me.

Here is a snip I took from an internet search on the symptoms of Type 2 Diabetes in Women:

I have definitely had increased thirst.  But I have also been drinking very little water.  I was pretty sure I was severely dehydrated.  So it could be explained with that, but….

I am definitely having increased urination.  I was thinking I needed to go see if I have a UTI.  That could explain it, but….
I have been talking about being tired for weeks.  It could be because of the stress and the fact that life has been so hectic, but I am starting to have difficulty functioning.  Those things could explain it, but….

I don’t know if I would say I had increased hunger, but I’ve definitely had increased cravings.  I have definitely been eating more, and not of the right kinds of foods.
Don’t think I’ve had weight loss, but I have been surprised that I have not gained more weight.

Extreme lack of energy goes along with the extreme tiredness.
I have been having repeated rashes in the female area.  I assumed they were yeast infections.  To the point where I bleed, sometimes.  I have also had a lot more gum bleeding, at times, lately.  I chalked it up to needing better hygiene habits, but this seems more likely.  The bleeding was like I had never had before when brushing my teeth.

This all concerns me enough that I hope it will scare me into getting back on track with my eating.  I must get back to low carb eating, IF, and off of wheat and sugar again.  In the meantime, I will keep testing my blood sugar to see if it continues to be high.
As for the things going on in my life.  At the end of June, we had a water leak from the a/c unit.  It leaked down inside the wall and under the flooring.  Since we weren’t seeing a puddle of water, we didn’t notice it at first, until we walked on the living room floor.  (We don’t always spend a lot of time in there, unless we have people over.)  It was kind of like walking on a water bed.  Squish, squish.  A LOT of water.  My home warranty company sent someone out and we determined it was not plumbing, but were able to tell it was coming from the a/c.  They called in a restoration company that deals with these kinds of things.  The restoration company came in and began ripping up floors and putting out fans and dehumidifiers.

In the midst of all this, my daughter had to have another back surgery.  The disk giving her trouble was actually torn almost in half and the doctor said he didn’t know how she was walking around.  Because of all this, we were moved out to a hotel.  I moved into the hotel on July 1 (she moved two days earlier).  We are still there.  It took them a couple of weeks to get things dried up.  All of the floors are having to be replaced, except the kitchen and the bathroom.  The thing is, the company who did the remediation was supposed to give me a bid on installing the new floors, etc.  They sent me a contract and I had some questions.  They would take forever to get back to me just to answer a question.
To make a long story short, they finally referred another flooring company to me (they seemed to be having personnel problems), and we finally agreed on a contract and they started the floors yesterday.  We have been in the hotel for almost six weeks!!  They should finish either this weekend or early next week.

In the midst of all this, there was no let-up at work.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  So I have been trying to do my job, take care of my daughter, take care of things at home, all while living at the hotel, which is about 20 minutes away from the house.  I felt like I was going to lose my mind.  Things are finally beginning to slow down a little at work.  Being in the hotel made it difficult to stay on track with my eating, and there was so much stress, I didn’t try very hard.  But I have to.  I can tell something is wrong.
I will keep checking my blood sugar and see what it says.  In the meantime, I have tried to do better today.  If nothing else, I should certainly fast!  But I haven’t had the gumption to make myself do that with everything else going on.  Hopefully this wake-up call will help me do better.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

When I Don't Know What to Do, Do Nothing

I am amazed at how adept I am (and I suspect, most people are) at putting things – important things – at the backs of our minds and not thinking about them.  I guess it is good that there are vehicles to push them to the front, whether it be internal (like pain) or external (like a FB post or a documentary).  Today it is the latter (although, it is also the former).
A post came up on the fasting support FB page I am a part of about a documentary called Obesity:  The Post Mortem.  It is actually the autopsy of an obese lady who donated her body to science so it could be learned how obesity ravages the inside of our body.  Of course, I knew that it does, but it is always good to have a graphic reminder.  This lady died of heart failure.  But she could have died of other things that resulted from obesity.
It is not that I don’t think about weight loss every day.  But I am a champion at talking myself out of doing the good thing – “I will deal with it later” – very soon after I decide I simply must start doing the right thing.  Sometimes I know, deep down, that is going to happen.  I know when I am in the zone and when I am not.  But I can’t give up, just because I am not “feeling it” on any given day.  It’s not going to get done if I wait until I am “in the zone.”
All I know is, I want things to change for the long term.
I was struggling today.  In fact, I ate a breakfast sandwich for breakfast because I wasn’t prepared.  I wrestled with myself a good part of the morning about lunch.  I was about ready to dump my efforts until after the weekend.  But I kept fighting in myself.  I guess that is good.  I finally decided that, sometimes, it may be better just to do nothing.  The “right” thing to eat just isn’t what I wanted.  But I struggled with the thing I did want since I already didn’t feel good and I know that one time is too much because, most times, one is never enough, when it comes to a bad habit or an addiction.  (As in, you can tell yourself to have just one cookie, but it most often leads to more and more cookies.)  So I kept putting off the decision until I decided that doing nothing was my decision.  I just didn’t eat.  I don’t know what will happen tonight, but for now, I’m in a holding pattern.  (It is late afternoon now, and I feel much better having done that, and like I can do what I need to do when I get home, instead of eating what I wanted earlier.
Towards the end of that struggle, I watched the documentary and that pushed the desire for change to the forefront.  So that’s where things stand right now.  I don’t want to be that woman on the autopsy table.  I don’t want to be that woman on any table – operating, hospital bed, or even my couch!!
Another motivation is having security cameras that show me going about my business, cleaning the pool, watering the plants, etc.  I don’t want to be that woman either.  At least I want to be a thinner version of that woman.  It’s not so much self-rejection anymore.  It is wanting to feel better in every way, and wanting a longer and better quality of life.  I see on those videos the way I walk because I am limping or hurting; I see my hand constantly going to my lower back as I am walking around; I see the struggle of getting down on my knee to clean out the pool strainer, and the huge struggle to get up again.  That is not what I want.
So, all of these things put a hold on negative behavior.  Now if I can just remember that the next time.
You know, I said toward the first of this year that this could be my year.  And it still could.  If I will stick to what I know to do, it will happen for me and it will happen fairly quickly.  I need to keep my eyes on how different my life could be in a few short months if I will just do what I know to do.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Hopefully I Can Keep This Going....

I started a post yesterday and ended up deleting it.  I’m trying to get back on track after months of preparing for trial, being in trial (not me, but the attorneys I work with, and all that goes with keeping them prepared each day), and catching up on other clients after the trial.  I worked several 60-70-hour weeks.  There were many nights of working until 10:00 on up to Midnight, food was brought in, I was exhausted, and I just did not try.  I did do some fasting, but not a lot.  My eating was the average American diet, which is not good.  Fast food, sugar, wheat, etc., etc.
The way I feel now is telling.  It shows how much what I had been doing was helping.  Pain was significantly improved, for the most part, for a number of months.  The downslide on pain, etc. was not immediate, but the more I kept at it, the more the old pain levels were building.  So, it is time to get back on track.
I am well into Day 2 of a fast.  I would like to go approximately 4 days (the routine I was doing before Thanksgiving).  I need a good break from how I have been eating.  Actually, when I get there I may decide to go longer for that reason.
I started this post when things were feeling a little tough.  It is always harder when you have been eating junk.  Junk makes you want more junk.  But I made it through that period of hunger/cravings.  Hopefully I can keep this going long this time.  Two days are helpful, but I need to get further away from how I have been eating, and I need to do some prep for what I do eat when the time comes.
There has been quite a bit of work happening on the house, so that has kept me busy when work hasn’t.  Cooking is not something I am wanting to do much of lately, but I really need to.  And my daughter is trying to eat low carb and do a little fasting herself, so that makes me want to do better too.
It is about time to go home, so I will close.  Hopefully I can keep this going.  I need to feel better.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Developments

I am struggling along today.  I was a little lax this weekend, but wanted to get right back to fasting today.  It has been tough for more than one reason.  It is always a little more difficult when I eat carbs and sugar.  And I am really tired (and sleepy) today.  And I have a lot on my mind.  But I really want to keep moving, and so far, that has kept me going.
 
I had a hard time going to sleep last night, and consequently, I can barely stay awake this afternoon.  Honestly, if I could go on home and just go to bed, I think I would be fine.  But if I have to stay late, I don't know, I'm a lot more likely to eat something to try to perk myself up.  I am soooooo tired.
 
There have been some developments since my last post.  There has been some contact between my ex's current wife and us (not through me).  She and her (grown) kids want to meet with me and my kids.  She has "kicked" my ex out of the house and I think is trying to decide whether trying to make it work is even advisable.  I am not going to try to influence her, but I am going to tell the truth about what happened.  From the things I know already about what he has done with her, it all sounds very familiar, although possibly not quite as developed.  But it has been escalating.  Interestingly, it has been going on with her for 10 years!!!  With me, it got so bad within one year that I could not continue.  And I obviously made the right decision.  He and I were divorced less than 14 years ago.  He dated her about 11 months; I think they married about 2 years after we were divorced, so they were possibly married about a year and a half when it started for her.  And she believed him about me until then.  Evidently, with her he would have periods were he pushed it and then just quit talking about it.  (That was the interesting thing; instead of it being a deal where he wanted to turn me into the police or something like that, he just said he could forgive as long as I told the truth -- when I supposedly sleeping with my own son!!!!  He has said the same thing to her.  But he seems to have no clue that the fact he thinks both of us are guilty of such a thing is a sign that he has a problem, not us.)  Anyway, she is not the type to let things lie, so she would bring it up and find out he still believed it.  With me he was totally obsessed and tried everything he could to prove it or would lie about "evidence" in an attempt to make me confess.  He has done that with her too, but it is only now escalating, it sounds like.  He also wanted her to take a lie detector test, as he did with me.  My boss (who was also my attorney) would not allow me to.  And counselors said, "So you take a lie detector test and pass it; what is he going to do the next time he doesn't believe you."  It did nothing to get to the root of the problem, which was his mental illness.
 
Some other thoughts have come up that would be quite heinous if they turned out to be true.  People have told me that for him to accuse me of that either means it happened to him (no evidence of that) or he was guilty of the same thing and is projecting it on me and Julie.  That's what scares me, for reasons I won't bring up here.
 
I'm going to try to finish up and see if I can go home.  If I can go home and go to bed, I think I can make it through today.  If not, I will still have had an intermittent fast and that is good too.
 
Over and out.

Friday, March 9, 2018

An Amazing Thing!

Second post of the day!  It's almost tomorrow, but....
 
The most amazing thing happened tonight.  I was still at work and I got a FB contact from someone I would have never expected.  It was my former brother-in-law.  He requested a contact, which I accepted, and then sent me a message asking me if I would call him.  I had to work late, and then ride the train home so I didn't try to call him until I got home.  Then he didn't answer.  (I thought maybe he had changed his mind.)  But later he messaged me again and said he had missed my message the first time and would I call him, if not tonight, then tomorrow night.  Honestly, I thought about not doing it tonight because it was already 10:30, but I was too curious.  I thought maybe he wanted some legal advice or something like that, but I couldn't imagine why he was calling me. Anyway, I called him.
 
He had just heard the details of why my 21-year marriage had ended and why my kids no longer wanted to have anything to do with their "dad."  My kids had told my bil's son a couple of years ago, and his son had just told him.  He had never known.  For those who have not read my earlier posts, my husband of 20 years accused me of incest with my own (and his own) son.  He also accused me of multiple affairs.  He went to very bizarre lengths to try to prove it -- tried to get DNA evidence, hid cameras in the house, hid in the attic to watch me, etc., etc.  It got very scary.  He even looked up cases my then-boss was involved in (this boss did family law -- divorces), to find names of clients because he was convinced I had affairs with all of them.  He basically thought I had a sign-up sheet at work.  Of course, nothing is further from the truth, but there was no convincing him and I came to know that he was not a well man.  And all in the context of putting himself out there as being a big "man of God."  The best thing I ever did was get away from him.  That was 14 years ago.
 
Anyway, my ex's family never knew why I left.  Actually, I wrote a letter to his parents and told them, but they either never got the letter or never told anyone else.  I don't know if they believed me or not.  So my ex-bil was quite taken aback.  He kept saying that.  He was so shocked.  He actually called to apologize for what my ex did and to apologize for things he had done because he didn't know.  He said he had tried to encourage or arrange times for my ex and my kids to be together (family get-togethers, etc.) to try to patch things up, and had been torn up for years over the rift between them.  (My ex has made no effort to have a relationship with my kids since losing the case where he tried to have me declared an unfit mother.  But there would have had to be a lot of repentance and then proof that he had really changed before they would allow him to be part of his life.)  Now my brother-in-law totally understands.  And he told me how sorry he was that I had been treated that way.  He even shed a few tears.
 
He told me something else that is almost bigger than that.  He had talked to my ex's current wife because he was trying to get ahold of his brother about an issue from his father's estate and to let him know they were putting their mother in a nursing home.  They could not get ahold of my ex.  Come to find out, he has been doing the same thing to her!  He has accused her of the exact same thing.  I have always wondered.  I wondered because he acted so sick with me and I wondered how things could be so good with them.  At the same time, I knew there were probably things no one else knew.  There was no way something else wouldn't happen, as sick as he was.  It just made me feel a little vindicated.  I knew, but now other people know.  It's like a huge weight has been lifted off of me.  Just to be understood.  No one who knows me ever believed a bit of it, but the deal with his family always weighed on me.
 
Anyway, my brother-in-law said maybe we could all get together -- him and his kids and me and my kids from time to time.  He lives in Fort Worth, so it would not be that hard.  He just wants to be family.  It's amazing!  God is good!!  I don't know how soon I am going to be able to go to sleep....