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Thursday, May 10, 2018

When I Don't Know What to Do, Do Nothing

I am amazed at how adept I am (and I suspect, most people are) at putting things – important things – at the backs of our minds and not thinking about them.  I guess it is good that there are vehicles to push them to the front, whether it be internal (like pain) or external (like a FB post or a documentary).  Today it is the latter (although, it is also the former).
A post came up on the fasting support FB page I am a part of about a documentary called Obesity:  The Post Mortem.  It is actually the autopsy of an obese lady who donated her body to science so it could be learned how obesity ravages the inside of our body.  Of course, I knew that it does, but it is always good to have a graphic reminder.  This lady died of heart failure.  But she could have died of other things that resulted from obesity.
It is not that I don’t think about weight loss every day.  But I am a champion at talking myself out of doing the good thing – “I will deal with it later” – very soon after I decide I simply must start doing the right thing.  Sometimes I know, deep down, that is going to happen.  I know when I am in the zone and when I am not.  But I can’t give up, just because I am not “feeling it” on any given day.  It’s not going to get done if I wait until I am “in the zone.”
All I know is, I want things to change for the long term.
I was struggling today.  In fact, I ate a breakfast sandwich for breakfast because I wasn’t prepared.  I wrestled with myself a good part of the morning about lunch.  I was about ready to dump my efforts until after the weekend.  But I kept fighting in myself.  I guess that is good.  I finally decided that, sometimes, it may be better just to do nothing.  The “right” thing to eat just isn’t what I wanted.  But I struggled with the thing I did want since I already didn’t feel good and I know that one time is too much because, most times, one is never enough, when it comes to a bad habit or an addiction.  (As in, you can tell yourself to have just one cookie, but it most often leads to more and more cookies.)  So I kept putting off the decision until I decided that doing nothing was my decision.  I just didn’t eat.  I don’t know what will happen tonight, but for now, I’m in a holding pattern.  (It is late afternoon now, and I feel much better having done that, and like I can do what I need to do when I get home, instead of eating what I wanted earlier.
Towards the end of that struggle, I watched the documentary and that pushed the desire for change to the forefront.  So that’s where things stand right now.  I don’t want to be that woman on the autopsy table.  I don’t want to be that woman on any table – operating, hospital bed, or even my couch!!
Another motivation is having security cameras that show me going about my business, cleaning the pool, watering the plants, etc.  I don’t want to be that woman either.  At least I want to be a thinner version of that woman.  It’s not so much self-rejection anymore.  It is wanting to feel better in every way, and wanting a longer and better quality of life.  I see on those videos the way I walk because I am limping or hurting; I see my hand constantly going to my lower back as I am walking around; I see the struggle of getting down on my knee to clean out the pool strainer, and the huge struggle to get up again.  That is not what I want.
So, all of these things put a hold on negative behavior.  Now if I can just remember that the next time.
You know, I said toward the first of this year that this could be my year.  And it still could.  If I will stick to what I know to do, it will happen for me and it will happen fairly quickly.  I need to keep my eyes on how different my life could be in a few short months if I will just do what I know to do.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Hopefully I Can Keep This Going....

I started a post yesterday and ended up deleting it.  I’m trying to get back on track after months of preparing for trial, being in trial (not me, but the attorneys I work with, and all that goes with keeping them prepared each day), and catching up on other clients after the trial.  I worked several 60-70-hour weeks.  There were many nights of working until 10:00 on up to Midnight, food was brought in, I was exhausted, and I just did not try.  I did do some fasting, but not a lot.  My eating was the average American diet, which is not good.  Fast food, sugar, wheat, etc., etc.
The way I feel now is telling.  It shows how much what I had been doing was helping.  Pain was significantly improved, for the most part, for a number of months.  The downslide on pain, etc. was not immediate, but the more I kept at it, the more the old pain levels were building.  So, it is time to get back on track.
I am well into Day 2 of a fast.  I would like to go approximately 4 days (the routine I was doing before Thanksgiving).  I need a good break from how I have been eating.  Actually, when I get there I may decide to go longer for that reason.
I started this post when things were feeling a little tough.  It is always harder when you have been eating junk.  Junk makes you want more junk.  But I made it through that period of hunger/cravings.  Hopefully I can keep this going long this time.  Two days are helpful, but I need to get further away from how I have been eating, and I need to do some prep for what I do eat when the time comes.
There has been quite a bit of work happening on the house, so that has kept me busy when work hasn’t.  Cooking is not something I am wanting to do much of lately, but I really need to.  And my daughter is trying to eat low carb and do a little fasting herself, so that makes me want to do better too.
It is about time to go home, so I will close.  Hopefully I can keep this going.  I need to feel better.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Developments

I am struggling along today.  I was a little lax this weekend, but wanted to get right back to fasting today.  It has been tough for more than one reason.  It is always a little more difficult when I eat carbs and sugar.  And I am really tired (and sleepy) today.  And I have a lot on my mind.  But I really want to keep moving, and so far, that has kept me going.
 
I had a hard time going to sleep last night, and consequently, I can barely stay awake this afternoon.  Honestly, if I could go on home and just go to bed, I think I would be fine.  But if I have to stay late, I don't know, I'm a lot more likely to eat something to try to perk myself up.  I am soooooo tired.
 
There have been some developments since my last post.  There has been some contact between my ex's current wife and us (not through me).  She and her (grown) kids want to meet with me and my kids.  She has "kicked" my ex out of the house and I think is trying to decide whether trying to make it work is even advisable.  I am not going to try to influence her, but I am going to tell the truth about what happened.  From the things I know already about what he has done with her, it all sounds very familiar, although possibly not quite as developed.  But it has been escalating.  Interestingly, it has been going on with her for 10 years!!!  With me, it got so bad within one year that I could not continue.  And I obviously made the right decision.  He and I were divorced less than 14 years ago.  He dated her about 11 months; I think they married about 2 years after we were divorced, so they were possibly married about a year and a half when it started for her.  And she believed him about me until then.  Evidently, with her he would have periods were he pushed it and then just quit talking about it.  (That was the interesting thing; instead of it being a deal where he wanted to turn me into the police or something like that, he just said he could forgive as long as I told the truth -- when I supposedly sleeping with my own son!!!!  He has said the same thing to her.  But he seems to have no clue that the fact he thinks both of us are guilty of such a thing is a sign that he has a problem, not us.)  Anyway, she is not the type to let things lie, so she would bring it up and find out he still believed it.  With me he was totally obsessed and tried everything he could to prove it or would lie about "evidence" in an attempt to make me confess.  He has done that with her too, but it is only now escalating, it sounds like.  He also wanted her to take a lie detector test, as he did with me.  My boss (who was also my attorney) would not allow me to.  And counselors said, "So you take a lie detector test and pass it; what is he going to do the next time he doesn't believe you."  It did nothing to get to the root of the problem, which was his mental illness.
 
Some other thoughts have come up that would be quite heinous if they turned out to be true.  People have told me that for him to accuse me of that either means it happened to him (no evidence of that) or he was guilty of the same thing and is projecting it on me and Julie.  That's what scares me, for reasons I won't bring up here.
 
I'm going to try to finish up and see if I can go home.  If I can go home and go to bed, I think I can make it through today.  If not, I will still have had an intermittent fast and that is good too.
 
Over and out.

Friday, March 9, 2018

An Amazing Thing!

Second post of the day!  It's almost tomorrow, but....
 
The most amazing thing happened tonight.  I was still at work and I got a FB contact from someone I would have never expected.  It was my former brother-in-law.  He requested a contact, which I accepted, and then sent me a message asking me if I would call him.  I had to work late, and then ride the train home so I didn't try to call him until I got home.  Then he didn't answer.  (I thought maybe he had changed his mind.)  But later he messaged me again and said he had missed my message the first time and would I call him, if not tonight, then tomorrow night.  Honestly, I thought about not doing it tonight because it was already 10:30, but I was too curious.  I thought maybe he wanted some legal advice or something like that, but I couldn't imagine why he was calling me. Anyway, I called him.
 
He had just heard the details of why my 21-year marriage had ended and why my kids no longer wanted to have anything to do with their "dad."  My kids had told my bil's son a couple of years ago, and his son had just told him.  He had never known.  For those who have not read my earlier posts, my husband of 20 years accused me of incest with my own (and his own) son.  He also accused me of multiple affairs.  He went to very bizarre lengths to try to prove it -- tried to get DNA evidence, hid cameras in the house, hid in the attic to watch me, etc., etc.  It got very scary.  He even looked up cases my then-boss was involved in (this boss did family law -- divorces), to find names of clients because he was convinced I had affairs with all of them.  He basically thought I had a sign-up sheet at work.  Of course, nothing is further from the truth, but there was no convincing him and I came to know that he was not a well man.  And all in the context of putting himself out there as being a big "man of God."  The best thing I ever did was get away from him.  That was 14 years ago.
 
Anyway, my ex's family never knew why I left.  Actually, I wrote a letter to his parents and told them, but they either never got the letter or never told anyone else.  I don't know if they believed me or not.  So my ex-bil was quite taken aback.  He kept saying that.  He was so shocked.  He actually called to apologize for what my ex did and to apologize for things he had done because he didn't know.  He said he had tried to encourage or arrange times for my ex and my kids to be together (family get-togethers, etc.) to try to patch things up, and had been torn up for years over the rift between them.  (My ex has made no effort to have a relationship with my kids since losing the case where he tried to have me declared an unfit mother.  But there would have had to be a lot of repentance and then proof that he had really changed before they would allow him to be part of his life.)  Now my brother-in-law totally understands.  And he told me how sorry he was that I had been treated that way.  He even shed a few tears.
 
He told me something else that is almost bigger than that.  He had talked to my ex's current wife because he was trying to get ahold of his brother about an issue from his father's estate and to let him know they were putting their mother in a nursing home.  They could not get ahold of my ex.  Come to find out, he has been doing the same thing to her!  He has accused her of the exact same thing.  I have always wondered.  I wondered because he acted so sick with me and I wondered how things could be so good with them.  At the same time, I knew there were probably things no one else knew.  There was no way something else wouldn't happen, as sick as he was.  It just made me feel a little vindicated.  I knew, but now other people know.  It's like a huge weight has been lifted off of me.  Just to be understood.  No one who knows me ever believed a bit of it, but the deal with his family always weighed on me.
 
Anyway, my brother-in-law said maybe we could all get together -- him and his kids and me and my kids from time to time.  He lives in Fort Worth, so it would not be that hard.  He just wants to be family.  It's amazing!  God is good!!  I don't know how soon I am going to be able to go to sleep....

Thursday, March 8, 2018

Keeping Up the Momentum

As I said in yesterday's post, I want to post to help keep my momentum going.  I had a good, reasonable day today.  I made some bacon and eggs for breakfast and snacked on a little cheese.  For lunch I had the barbecue I had gotten from what they brought in at work (3 little circles of smoked sausage, 1 slice of brisket, and kind of a chicken wing with a little extra meat on it).  That was good barbecue!  I didn't put much sauce on it and I didn't have any sides.  This afternoon my sweet tooth was making itself known, so I bought some sugar-free chocolates, and had 4 squares of that.  I also ate a few peanuts from the peanut jar (just a few).   And then at 5:00, I started another fast.
 
I decided a good way to motivate myself to do that and make a more decisive decision is to start my fasting timer.  I started it at 5:23 p.m., but I had not eaten in a while before that.  I fasted about 70 hours earlier in the week, and my goal was to fast 26 hours, so until 7:00 tomorrow night, to make the 96 hours I had planned to fast in the first place.  I feel good and like I want to keep going until 7:00 tomorrow.
 
It helped that I was busy this evening.  My boss had been in a meeting all day (I still was pretty busy all day) and then wanted to get some things done before I left.  So I left the office at about 8:15 p.m.
 
The medication issue felt a little better today.  Withdrawal symptoms never really set in, although I felt them slightly.  When I took medicine, I took a half pill each time, and was able to function that way with no problem.  I forgot to take my electrolyte supplements this morning, so was feeling like I needed them this evening.  You can have some weird sensations when those are out of balance.
 
All in all, it was a good day.  I think my carbs were decently low.  I don't necessarily do a keto diet all the time, but I do eat low-carb when I am on track.  As long as I lose weight that way and am getting healthier, I am good with that.
 
My daughter and son-in-law and grandson were planning a trip to the zoo tomorrow and ask us if we wanted to go.  So that is the plan, but there is rain in the forecast, so it remains to be seen if that is doable.  After that we may go to the barbecue place from where the food was brought in at work.  It was really good -- the best brisket I have had from a barbecue restaurant that I remember.  Hopefully they have some sides I can eat.  I don't mind eating a little more carbs on the weekend (within reason), as long as I follow my fasting goals during the week.  I also need to get more done on my house this weekend.  We are going to have to stay with it to get it all done.  My daughter is more interested in working outside (I understand that; I have always been like that), but we do need to finish.  Hopefully I can motivate her -- push her, if I have to -- so we can make more progress.
 
I am quite sleepy this evening, so I am going to call it a night.  Hopefully I can follow through with my plan until 7:00 tomorrow evening.  I definitely feel better when I am doing this.
 
Good night all.  Friday here we come!

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Day Three and Done (for this one)

Today is going along pretty good, although I am not as busy today.  At least not as push-push busy.  I still have plenty to do.  I always have plenty to do.

I am feeling a little hungry this afternoon.  The mixture of fasting and the medication issue makes it a little difficult, but not too bad.  The medication thing has not been bad today, but I think it is contributing to the hunger.  They brought in barbecue for lunch and then had celebratory glasses of champagne this afternoon for one of our attorneys who won the primary in his campaign for Justice of the Court of Appeals.  I had neither.  I did get me a plate of barbecue to have when I eat again.  My plan is to break my fast tomorrow evening, if I make it.  Not only was I fasting, but with the medication I take, it makes having the champagne less wise.  I'm not really a drinker, either (maybe twice a year I will have a little taste of something), so who knows how that would have affected me, plus it would be breaking my fast.  People think I'm weird, but that's okay.  I have to do what is best for me.

One reason I feel a little "iffy" about how long I will fast is because I feel slightly lightheaded this afternoon.  However, I have felt that way, at times, during the course of this medication issue, so I am not sure it is related to my fast.  I am trying to make sure I keep my electrolytes balanced.  If it does not go away, then I will eat.  But, as I said, I was having this feeling, at times, when I was eating plenty.  The amount of time I have fasted this week is long enough to support the long-term purposes I started intermittent fasting for in the first place, if done regularly, but I wanted to go a bit longer than I have recently to get a good break from the way I have been eating lately.  I would like to go until tomorrow evening, if I can.  But I will do what my body tells me.

I really, really need to get myself motivated to do some cooking after I finish this fast.  I keep saying that and then don't do it.  I just have so much else to do.  (That is one reason I like fasting; don't have to worry about it on those days.)  I particularly want to make some fat bombs and some "legal" sweets to help keep me on track.  I also want to make some Fathead Dinner Rolls, a recipe for low-carb "bread."  You can also make pizza dough out of this same recipe.  I do have some brisket cooked, so can have that when I eat again.  I just need to eat in a way that does not add a bunch of carbs to it.  One way is to use it to stuff an avocado.  But I can just eat some sliced brisket with some veggies and that will be fine.  I've had people make a couple of negative comments about eating low carb lately.  I want to get some more progress under my belt before I start saying anything.  I am totally convinced of this way of eating, but people are going to need to see progress before they will listen if they are totally indoctrinated against it.  I just need to be consistent.

What I continue to be very happy with is that I have not gained weight, even with this hiatus of not doing as well as I "should."  That never would have happened before.  And my back has been consistently better for quite a while.  So I know it is helpful for me.  What I am trying to get in my head is that I need to stay away from sugar (and processed carbs), not just because of weight issues, but because of blood sugar and other health issues.  Elevated levels of insulin and blood sugar are extremely detrimental for many health issues, including type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, heart problems, the development of Alzheimer's, and sugar is the food for many cancers.  I began to wonder if I might be becoming diabetic with this bladder issue (because of frequent urination).  But I do not have the other symptoms.  (I need to find my monitor so I can check it for sure.)

As long as I am fasting and still losing weight, I plan to have a few carbs from whole food sources, at times.  Like some sweet potato or some beans or something like that.  That keeps me from getting too bored.  But if it keeps me from losing weight, I will need to not do that until I lose the weight.  If 2018 is going to be my year, I have to quit fooling around.

And, if it does what I think it will do for my pain issues, I plan to begin the journey of getting off the pain meds.
 
Later
 
I did not have to work late (yay)!  I read The Complete Guide to Fasting on the way home on the train.  Driving home from the train station I was thinking things over and I decided I was ready to break this fast.  I am still building up from the time off from extended fasting.  I was almost at 3 days and I decided that was enough for this week.  Although I will give thought to possibly fasting from tomorrow evening to Friday evening.  Next week, if I want to, I can fast 3-1/2 days, and the following week, the 4 days I was doing before this hiatus.  Any amount I do is beneficial.  I just need to be consistent and improve my eating on "eat days."  The good thing is, I start feeling the benefits a lot sooner than I used to.  That is because my body was cleansed from the longer fasts, I am quite sure, and it doesn't take as long to clear out the new stuff from my not-so-stellar eating habits of late.
 
So, as of now, I have had a little cheese since I have been home.  It is good to take it slow for the first bit after eating.  I was going to have an avocado, which is a good thing to break a fast with, but the one I had left had dark spots.  So I had the cheese.  I may have some eggs in a bit.  I want to keep it high fat/low carb for the evening.
 
So that's it.  I need to post again tomorrow and keep my momentum going.  So let's see if I can do that.
 
Good night all.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

So Far, So Good

Well, I made it through fine yesterday.  I did go home on time and I got back to work (at home) to finish the project I was working on Sunday:



This is one side of the closet and the other side has a little different configuration.  I was pretty proud of myself about this.  I attached the support bar to the studs, as instructed, and the rest is attached with sheetrock anchors, if not in a stud.  Everything is level and plumb.  Looks pretty darned good!
 
It feels good to have a day and a half fasting under my belt.  My fasting app says I am a little over 39 hours in, but I did not start the timer until about 6 hours after the last time I ate, so I am closer to 2 days.  I already feel some better, pain-wise, and it feels good not to be bloated.  My clothes are getting looser, just from that.  You lose about a half a pound of fat a day when fasting, but you lose a lot of water, also.  Always after a time of eating "bad" stuff, and getting on a better track, even without fasting, there will be a lot of water loss (for me).
 
Mentally, I am feeling pretty good.  I am still having some slight withdrawal symptoms, but not bad.  I also have a bladder infection and am on an antibiotic.  Thankfully things like that do not bother my stomach, even when I have not eaten.
 
I think part of the reason I have not had too much trouble (so far) with this fast is I have been so busy.  As I said, I went home and worked last night on the closet.  Today has been VERY busy at work, and if I get off at a decent hour (it is 6:45 right now), I will try to do a little work at home when I get there.  I'm trying to make some progress every day, and trying to get some done before we have Jim come back to finish up his part.  We have quite a bit for him to do, since I have made some purchases that will require his expertise.  I am considering having him (or someone else who might do it a little cheaper) to finish the painting.  Maybe I could offer to pay my son-in-law to finish it for a certain price, and help he and my daughter out with some extra money.  At the same time, I think I might get it finished quicker if I pay someone who can just come in and do it.  It is mainly some woodwork that is left.  I think it would look better if I had someone who does it all the time does it, also.  Painting woodwork is a little trickier than just painting walls.  The finish-out on that makes a big difference on how everything looks.
 
I at least want to get my room back in order from the closet project tonight and tomorrow morning.  It just depends on how long I work tonight whether I will be able to do that.
 
That is pretty much all that is going on.  I'm just happy to be on a better track.  The important part will be when I eat again to see if I do better with that.
 
Over and out.  :)