Search This Blog

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Struggles

I really need to focus.  I am having so much trouble getting things together.  I have that sense in my body that I am not well.  I have done little to help with that, at least as far as eating habits go.  I am still struggling with the electrolyte problem.  I feel better when I supplement them in some way, but I cannot seem to get them balanced on an ongoing basis.
 
You may think, why don't you go to the doctor?  Actually, I have.  I went to an urgent care center in August or September.  They did an EKG, among other things.  My heart was normal.  I had a pretty hefty bladder infection, for one thing.  But my electrolytes were "normal" (I had been supplementing, so at least I knew the problem was not high potassium).  Then a couple of weeks ago, I was having another episode of heart palpitations (which I have pretty often) that wasn't letting up, so I decided to go to the ER to make sure everything was all right.  They did all kinds of testing and everything was normal -- except my blood pressure was very high (203/113).  I asked if HPB caused the heart palpitations and they said it was more that they were both symptoms of the same thing.  But they didn't tell me of what.  They just gave me blood pressure medication.  I am taking that medication (because I know it is important to get my blood pressure under control), but I have a problem with just treating symptoms and not treating what is causing the problem.  I have done some reading and studying since then, and the decision I have come to is I am probably now Type 2 Diabetic.  They did blood tests at both doctor visits and both times my blood sugar was high (not super high, but in the diabetic range).  They were not focusing on that, but from my reading, it is very much related.  I have learned that your potassium can be low even if it shows normal on a blood test (because most of the potassium in your body is in your cells, not your blood, so even though it is normal in the blood, it can be low in your cells).  ALL of my symptoms point to low potassium.  That's why it was confusing me that it tested normal.  And because it did not show low, I was afraid to increase supplementation too much because high potassium can be very bad, too.  And then I found out you cannot always go by the blood test.  It can still be low even though it tests in the normal range.  (I remember that after one of my long fasts, my potassium tested borderline high and that was after not eating for around 30 days.  I believe that is because it had pulled the potassium out of my cells into my blood.  It certainly was not because I had taken too much potassium.  That concerned me a little, but now that I have done a lot more reading, I think that was a normal process.  Testing on another day would probably have shown it to be normal.)
 
I also found out low potassium and high blood sugar are related.  And low potassium and high blood pressure are very much related.  So, although I will continue to supplement potassium (for the most part, with food), I think the most important thing I can do is get back to a keto diet and get my blood sugar settled down.  It has been difficult because I don't feel great right now, and that invariably makes me eat things I should not.  But I have to keep it in my mind that those things I want to eat are what are causing the problems.  So one of the things I plan to do this weekend is make sure I have some options.  I'm going to make a couple of keto desserts, so when I want something sweet, I have a keto option for that.  (Low potassium also makes you crave sweets.  Plus, it's the holidays, so that is making it tough.)
 
So, the key to it all is to get back to doing what I know works.  Eating keto (or at least LC/HF).  You have to supplement electrolytes on a ketogenic diet, but for potassium, I am going to focus mainly on eating high potassium foods.  I also supplement with an energy drink called Zip Fizz.  It has certain B vitamins and it has some potassium.  I will drink one of those a day and focus on getting my greens, etc. for potassium.   Sugar and simple carbs do nothing to provide potassium.  Hopefully once I get on a better track, my electrolytes will balance out.  I'm tired of feeling like this.

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Moving Along

Tuesday

I started another post or two last week and never finished them.  That usually means I have gotten off track.  That wasn’t really the case last week.  I did not do a lot of fasting, but I did stay on track with low carb eating.  So I am feeling a little better about that, and my appetite has eased up a bit and my mind is getting in a better place.  That is huge for me.

Last night was a little bit of a sleepless night.  I went to bed earlier because I want to start getting up earlier.  I woke up at about 1:20 and had difficulty going back to sleep.  I didn’t really get back to sleep until 4:45 and then I got up at 6:00.  I had a lot on my mind, but that didn’t seem to be what woke me up.  Instead of not sleeping because there was stuff on my mind, it was thinking about stuff because I was already awake.

Yesterday I did a little reading about the kind of surgery I need to have on my Achilles tendon/heel.  I have been thinking I need to go ahead and do it since my deductible has been met.  But from what I read yesterday, this is going to be a pretty tough surgery and a pretty long recovery time.  I could not tell how many people I read about had jobs where they had to be on their feet all the time, or whether they had desk jobs.  The time off work seemed to be about 8 weeks.  And some of those mentioned having jobs where they had to be on their feet.  I’m wondering if I could return to work sooner since I have a desk job.  And do I want to do that?  I have an appointment on September 10 to see what’s going on.

One decision I came to yesterday was that the timing is not right – yet – to have this surgery.  It is not a small deal.  I do not have anyone to take care of me.  Stephanie (who lives with me) is still very much in recovery herself and just missed at least a month of work.  The house is not anywhere near together and that would be a problem, not to mention not being able to manage getting everything finished up, etc.  It is just too much.

That was a lot on my mind last night.  I was thinking about what I need to be doing to get things done so I can have the surgery when I’m ready.  I wasn’t really worrying about it, but I was thinking about it because I was awake.  I finally decided I would get up and make a list, at least, since I wasn’t sleeping anyway.  Then I got back up and worked on some things on the list, since I wasn’t sleeping anyway….  I finally felt ready to sleep at about 4:45.  I wasn’t stressing about it; I just couldn’t sleep.

So I am going to start trying to check things off my list to get ready.  I never know if my tendon is going to get worse and I will HAVE to have the surgery immediately.  I need to be ready – at work and at home.  Before I had my knee replacement in 2015, I worked for weeks to get everything in good shape at work to make sure my files were in good shape and people would be able to find things, etc.  Things are a pretty big mess in my area and I need to do that again.  Part of it is because I’m a mess, but a big part of it is because we have been so busy!!!

I will also need to have plenty of meals in the freezer if I am to eat as I should after surgery.  If not, I would have to eat fast food and convenience food, and that’s where I have been the last few months.  That does not need to continue.  For one thing, eating better and doing some fasting will help the surgery go much better.

Wednesday

That’s as far as I got yesterday.  To follow up on that last thought, I firmly believe that eating LC/HF and fasting are the best things I can do to heal my body, at least nutritionally speaking.  I experienced my body deteriorating the last few months because I just could not pull it together.  So much has to do with inflammation.  As an example, a couple of years ago my hands were extremely stiff and sore.  Sometimes it was difficult to write with a pen or pencil, and just grasping things in certain ways was difficult.  I had a “trigger” finger, where the joint kind of stuck in a closed position.  When you opened your hand, that joint would kind of pop free, but was very stiff and sore.  Not pleasant.  After months of fasting and eating low carb, that had completely gone away.  I wasn’t taking anything for it.  I know that is what helped it.  Now that is all back with a vengeance.  It slowly worsened again over the months I was eating the typical American diet with lots of carbs and sugar.  I know that diet affects me in the same way all over my body.  I had gotten to feeling so much better, with much improved energy.  It took a while to get back to the way I am feeling now.  But I am here and I don’t want to stay here.

I am reading Dr. Fung’s (author of The Obesity Code and The Complete Guide to Fasting) book, The Diabetes Code.  Remember, Dr. Fung is a kidney specialist.  He treats people with end-stage kidney disease.  He got so tired of treating people who were already at the stage where nothing could be done except treat the extreme damage that had already been done by Type 2 Diabetes, he wanted to find out how to treat people before they developed these horrible problems.  That is where the book, The Obesity Code, came from (followed by The Complete Guide to Fasting).  I am only a little way into it, but it is a very instructive.  It explains why the drugs doctors give you to treat your blood sugar are not helping the disease of type 2 diabetes.  (Type 1 Diabetes is totally different.)  I don’t know if I have become diabetic in the last few months, but I do not want to go there.  I am sure I was headed that direction, if not already there.  I highly recommend this book.  It explains the problem of insulin resistance and why diabetes drugs do nothing to treat that.  They actually make it worse.  Just because you have less sugar in your blood does not mean you are getting better.  Many of the medications are forcing the sugar into other parts of your body where it is doing its damage – heart disease, kidney disease, blindness, etc.  The answer is to remove the sugar from your body, and that has to be done through diet.  (This includes not only sweets, but other carbs that the body readily turns to sugar.)

Once insulin resistance is healed, you can have certain kinds of sweets on a limited basis.  Your body is able to process them again.  But if you eat them constantly, like many Americans do, you will eventually flood your cells with so much sugar, you become diabetic again with all of the terrible results.

Thursday

I can’t seem to get this post finished.

I have been struggling the last few weeks (started before I got back to LC/HF) with extreme fatigue, feeling like I could not access one iota of energy to the point where I could barely keep my eyes open at my desk.  I mean, it was extreme.  I began to notice it was happening at pretty much the same time every day.  I felt like it was probably electrolyte-related, but my blood tests didn’t show that (although I had been supplementing electrolytes).  I posed a question to my FB fasting group (got a million answers that barely related to my question – grrr), but did get some good feedback.  One person rather definitively said I was low on sodium.  She mentioned some reading she had done and I read up on it too.  It talked about how being low on sodium mimicked “adrenal fatigue” (which some experts say is not even real).  I decided this would be easy to determine if that was the problem, so I made a more concerted effort to increase my sodium yesterday.  I went downstairs and got the only thing I could think of that was very desirable, and it was a sour pickle you could buy at the convenience store.  It had some pickle juice in it and I drank the pickle juice and ate part of the pickle.  When I got home I had a decent quantity of pickle juice.  This morning I got off to work without bringing anything to help with it, so I just took some salt and added it to a bottle of water and drank it down.  I have done that twice today.  Guess what?  “The thing” that has been happening early afternoon every day has not happened so far today.  I think this might be it.  In my reading, it said that if you are low on sodium, your body will waste its potassium stores to protect its sodium balance.  My symptoms seemed to be similar to low potassium, so that made sense to me too.  I think as I get my sodium level where it should be, my low potassium symptoms will right themselves too.  (Some of the symptoms are the same.)  I knew that you needed to supplement sodium when fasting and eating a low-carb diet, but I had not really focused on it when I was “off the wagon.”  The thing is, I have had these symptoms (sometimes worse than others) for many months – back into last year.  So I think it has been going on a long time.  Time will tell, but I think I found out what was causing my symptoms.  (Low sodium also explains the headaches, which had been increasing lately.)

With the reading and listening (to YouTube and podcasts) I have been doing, I am getting more motivated.  I found out today when my high school reunion is going to be (October), and that is motivating to me to feel better and look better.  I started a fast today and hope to go through tomorrow evening.  I want to get moving on not only losing weight, but feeling much, much better, and that will help move things along.

Now I’m going to get this post uploaded!

Monday, August 20, 2018

Trying to Pull It Together

So, I got my test results.  I fully expected my potassium to be low, but it was not.  However, when the doctor told me that, he acknowledged that I had been supplementing (and being careful not to overdo) and said I was doing a good job with that.  Since it makes me feel better (takes away the offending symptoms at the time), I am going to continue to supplement.  Especially since I hope to get going on keto again.  I also am going to focus on drinking more water.

My blood pressure has been high every time I go to the doctor (both times at CareNow, and when I have gone to my pain doctor, etc.), so the CareNow doctor put me on a blood pressure med.  I had wondered why my PCP did not last time.  I was on it before.  I don't know if she just forgot or what.

The only really abnormal thing found was my blood sugar tested at 129.  But that was not a fasting test and I had just had a milkshake a couple of hours before.  However, I continue to be concerned about that -- even if I am not diabetic (which I certainly do not want to be), I am headed in that direction if I keep up the way I have been eating.  So I am telling myself I am diabetic just to provoke myself to do better.  I would not tell anyone else I was diabetic until a doctor said I was.  My goal is that a doctor never has to say I am!

I am trying to get going with a fast today.  It is 1:30 p.m., and so far so good.  But I have not done it in a while.  Even if I just do an IF of 18 hours with an eating window of 6 hours, that is better than what I have been doing.  But I would like to get back to my "old" routine of fasting until Thursday evening each week and eating Low Carb/High Fat when I do eat.  I actually would like to do a longer fast sometime (for pain purposes).  I will just see how I do.  I don't really feel the motivation for that right now.  I'm just trying to get back on track.  I need to get a meal plan together for doing better when I am eating.

I have had a very persistent headache the last few days.  It feels like the ones from the "old days."  I don't know if I have finally inundated myself with wheat enough that that is what is causing them, or what.  I am supplementing with salt and that does not seem to help.

All I know is, I felt much, much better when I was fasting intermittently and eating low carb/high fat.  My pain levels are creeping up and up and my mobility is going down and I don't want to live my life like that.  And I want to get my weight down.  So it is time.

I just hope I can pull it together.

I hope we can start the bathroom remodel soon.  I bought the new vanity over the weekend, as well as the subway tile and my faucets.  I plan on replacing all of my fixtures.  Since I sold my old vanity a few weeks ago, I need to get one now.  But the fixture I most want to replace is the bathtub.  When you avoid taking a bath because you can't stand your bathtub, that's a problem.  I prefer standing in my bedroom and taking a good sponge bath to using that bathtub/shower.  I have not even tried to use the shower in my bathroom since we moved in.  For one thing, I am not a shower person; I prefer baths.  For another, there is evidence that there was some leaking going on with the shower and I do not want to take a chance of adding to any problem there.

I would have liked to have gotten more done this weekend, but I am going to be forgiving of myself.  I did the shopping, which took some out of me, and I did do some things to get things put away.  I need to do more, but I struggled with a pretty bad headache all day yesterday, plus spent a couple of hours at the doctor.  I will keeping trying to whittle away at it every day.  And as I am feeling better, I can do more taxing things, like yard work and things to get the house together as far as the remodel and the decorating.

We watched HGTV almost exclusively while in the hotel and it has made me want to get things done.  I want to be more "intentional" in my decorating instead of just trying to find a place for things I have had forever.  Once we get the bathroom done, and a few more small things done related to the remodel, most of what will be left is the kitchen.  (And my bathroom.)  (There is really more than that, but those are the things on my mind.)  I think what I want to do about that is to work on my credit score (by paying off debt, etc.) for the next few months and then see about either a refi or a home improvement loan that just increases my house payment a small-ish amount, instead of something that adds another payment to my load.  The kitchen remodel would greatly improve the resale value of my home.  So would redoing my bathroom, for that matter, but the kitchen is most important to me at this point.

But, first things first, we need to finish the odds and ends that are left, and the changes to the main bathroom about to be made.  And then the decorating, which for me, right now, means things to be hung on the walls or displayed to make things look pretty.  I also want to do a fairly significant purge so everything can stay more organized and clean.

Getting back home makes me look forward to a new beginning, of sorts.

Now that I have said I am trying to fast today, I hope that keeps me sticking to it the rest of the day.  We will see!  That's it for now.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Waiting for Results

Sunday

I didn't do so good on my eating today.  This is so hard when I am at the hotel, stress is high, and I am so tired.  I am more mentally tired than anything.  I also feel strange.  Could be the blood sugar issues, but I feel strongly that my electrolytes are off, too.  I have already notified my boss and office administrator that I am not coming in tomorrow. I'm going to go to a "Doc in the Box" and at least get my electrolytes checked.  I have felt for a long time that my potassium is low, but I worry that if it's high, I'm doing exactly the wrong thing by taking a supplement.  But I really feel I am not getting enough.  I need to know for sure and get this straightened out.  It has been going on a long time, but I'm feeling worse.

I also have to get us moved out of the hotel before Noon, and do enough at home where we can function.  I washed sheets and bedding some today while at the house, and will have to finish that and get them on the beds before Stephanie gets home from work.  She is not feeling well and will want to lay down and rest when she gets home.

I also need to get where I can cook what I need sooner rather than later.   I don't know if that will happen this week (before the weekend) or not.  There is so much to deal with.  I will have to do as good as I can, even if not the best.  One thing I need to make sure to do is up my water intake.

Honestly, the last few weeks, I am feeling more stressed than at almost any time in my life.  Only two other times were worse -- when my marriage finally fell apart and when my son was getting into trouble and ended up going to TYC (juvenile prison).  This time doesn't have all the heartache, but the stress has been waaaaay up there.

Tears are just under the surface.  I think that is stress coming to the surface, and it is okay to release them.

Monday

Did take off today, but it was not really a restful day.

I spent the morning getting the hotel suite cleaned out.  In the meantime, Stephanie was feeling pretty bad and ended up going home from work, so when I got home I helped her get comfortable.  We also had workmen here all day, finishing up putting in the baseboard, etc.  So it was not entirely restful and I couldn't work to put things away part of the time because I would have been in their way.  I haven't even gotten all the stuff brought in from the car yet.  I spent an hour on the phone getting our internet up and running again.  The cable is still not working, but at least we can watch Google Cast.

It got into the evening and I still had not gone to the doctor.  I've been needing to do this for many weeks.  So I went to a CareNow.  After describing how I was feeling, the first thing they did was hook me up to an EKG!  They also did some blood work and a urine test which is what I wanted them to do.  My EKG was normal, although he said he was going to send it to a cardiologist to make sure.  (I really liked the doctor, by the way.  He was very caring and listened to me.)

What do I know so far?  I had a hefty bladder infection.  He seemed fairly concerned about my white blood cell count and I was running a fever.  He said there was a significant amount of blood in my urine, as well a significant amount of sugar.  He put me on a fairly strong antibiotic.  My blood sugar?  100 -- at 8:30 in the evening, a couple of hours after drinking a milkshake.  That actually made me feel a little better.

After we discussed all the things I had been dealing with lately, he gave me a note for work and told me to stay home tomorrow.  The rest of the results will take two or three days and he wants me to come back in.

Wednesday

I did take off yesterday.  I tried to rest as much as possible.  I was told the painters would come today, but they came yesterday.  So I had to deal with that.  They left early afternoon and then I took a long nap.  I kept thinking of all the things that needed doing and had to keep reminding myself that I was supposed to be resting.  And I did rest.

I went back to work today.  I'm still not feeling great.  I continue to believe at least one problem is my potassium level.  We shall see.  My blood pressure was pretty high (170/110).  That can be a symptom of low potassium.  I felt kind of dizzy and fuzzy brained during the afternoon.  I took one potassium caplet and felt a little better.  The daily recommendation for potassium is over 4,000 mg.  One tablet is 550 mg.  Of course, you get some in foods, but nothing I ate today would give me that much.  But I am hesitant to take much until I know that is the problem because too much is dangerous.  The problem is, the symptoms for too much and too little are very similar.  That is why it has been so hard to figure out what was wrong.  But I continue to think it is low.  And I just want to feel better.

I continued to feel stressed and tears are under the surface.  I started on some 5-HTP yesterday to hopefully help with that.

I'm going to get this posted, since I keep failing to do that.  I will go back to the doctor tomorrow evening and get the rest of my test results.

Friday, August 10, 2018

Long Past Due

Well, I've been checking my blood sugar fairly regularly (at least once a day) and I am still concerned.  The lowest reading was the first evening.  The morning readings have been higher.  I need to check more mid-day and see what happens.  There is a thing called the "dawn phenomenon" that can make your morning readings higher.

In the meantime, I am eating better, but not perfect.  I continue to feel that something is "off."  Part of it may be blood sugar, and I feel certain that part of it is electrolytes.  I really need to go get that checked.  There have just been so many other things going on.

Yesterday I didn't eat a lot.  I had breakfast in the hotel (it's free).  I had eggs with cheese and some bacon.  I took some leftover Amy's Enchiladas for lunch (wanted to use them instead of throwing them out), but my stomach was feeling a little off, so never ate them.  I did eat some nuts.  I never ate dinner because I ended up working until almost 11:30 p.m.  (Sigh.)  In the hotel, I would have disturbed my daughter (who is still very much in recovery from back surgery, and just went back to work Wednesday, so she needs her rest) to get something to eat, so I just ate a stick of cheese we had in the fridge.  Besides, I was exhausted.  Today I ate the enchiladas, after breakfast at the hotel.  That's not good for keto.  For dinner I had some salad with avocado and some cheese chunks.  I didn't feel like going to get anything and that's all I had at the hotel.  At this moment I would like something to eat, but there is nothing I should eat here (except some more avocado and cheese) and I am too tired to go get anything, so I will just leave it at that.

I won't be able to do any cooking this weekend, I'm pretty sure -- unless I can think of things to cook on the 2-burner cooktop at the hotel (there is no oven) -- so I will have to find a way to limp along until I can do some cooking.  A lot of our stuff is in the kitchen at the house, because I had to clear things off of floors and that and the bathroom and the garage were the only places to put things.  There is no room for cooking right now.

The easiest way to do things until we get home and settled would be to fast.  It would be great if I could make that happen, but I'm not sure I can.

Whatever is wrong, it is motivating me, and I will use it.  I am exhausted and need to sleep good tonight (on the couch at the hotel), so I have taken a muscle relaxant and some Melatonin.  I need to sleep!!  Even as tired as I was last night, I had a hard time going to sleep.  I was almost too tired.  But my mind would not shut down with all that is going on.

I would have called in today, but there was a motion that had to be filed.  My boss left for a short vacation this morning, which is why I worked so late last night.  (Must be nice.)  I will have a very good paycheck this time, anyway.  That will help with paying for the repairs on the house (had to meet my deductible), plus we are going to do some work on the bathroom.

If I can keep on track with my eating, get home in my own bed, get caught up on some rest, and a little less stress, hopefully I will not be so exhausted.  It is long past due.

Next I have to think about when I will have surgery on my heel.  It's not getting better and I need to take advantage of having met most of my deductible.  I can also get an injection on my back to help with that.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Troubles and a Wake-Up Call


I don’t really have time to do a post right now, but I have things on my mind.  I will have to do this post piecemeal (which I often do anyway).
I have started posts a number of times in the past weeks, but never got one finished up and posted.  There has been a LOT of tough stuff going on in my life.  I will try to catch up on that, but here is the main thing on my mind.

I have known I am not eating “right” and need to get back on track.  Things have been so stressful and hectic to the extreme that I just haven’t wanted to deal with it.  With all that has been going in my life, I am eating a lot of fast food, a lot of sugar, a lot of carbs – even drinking sugar sodas!  I never did that in the past, except once in a blue moon.  Sodas are absolutely the worst thing!  I just haven’t had the gumption to deal with it.  But…this morning was a little bit of a wake-up call.
I tested my blood sugar this morning, before eating.  It was 138.  That is diabetic level.  Now I know your blood sugar can fluctuate for various reasons, and I will check it again over the next few weeks to see how it averages out.  I also know sometimes the meter can give you a faulty reading.  But to tell you the truth, I have had this feeling for a few weeks that something was “off.”  After looking at the symptoms, I am having too many to be comfortable with.  Most can be explained by other things, but the fact that I am having several concerns me.

Here is a snip I took from an internet search on the symptoms of Type 2 Diabetes in Women:

I have definitely had increased thirst.  But I have also been drinking very little water.  I was pretty sure I was severely dehydrated.  So it could be explained with that, but….

I am definitely having increased urination.  I was thinking I needed to go see if I have a UTI.  That could explain it, but….
I have been talking about being tired for weeks.  It could be because of the stress and the fact that life has been so hectic, but I am starting to have difficulty functioning.  Those things could explain it, but….

I don’t know if I would say I had increased hunger, but I’ve definitely had increased cravings.  I have definitely been eating more, and not of the right kinds of foods.
Don’t think I’ve had weight loss, but I have been surprised that I have not gained more weight.

Extreme lack of energy goes along with the extreme tiredness.
I have been having repeated rashes in the female area.  I assumed they were yeast infections.  To the point where I bleed, sometimes.  I have also had a lot more gum bleeding, at times, lately.  I chalked it up to needing better hygiene habits, but this seems more likely.  The bleeding was like I had never had before when brushing my teeth.

This all concerns me enough that I hope it will scare me into getting back on track with my eating.  I must get back to low carb eating, IF, and off of wheat and sugar again.  In the meantime, I will keep testing my blood sugar to see if it continues to be high.
As for the things going on in my life.  At the end of June, we had a water leak from the a/c unit.  It leaked down inside the wall and under the flooring.  Since we weren’t seeing a puddle of water, we didn’t notice it at first, until we walked on the living room floor.  (We don’t always spend a lot of time in there, unless we have people over.)  It was kind of like walking on a water bed.  Squish, squish.  A LOT of water.  My home warranty company sent someone out and we determined it was not plumbing, but were able to tell it was coming from the a/c.  They called in a restoration company that deals with these kinds of things.  The restoration company came in and began ripping up floors and putting out fans and dehumidifiers.

In the midst of all this, my daughter had to have another back surgery.  The disk giving her trouble was actually torn almost in half and the doctor said he didn’t know how she was walking around.  Because of all this, we were moved out to a hotel.  I moved into the hotel on July 1 (she moved two days earlier).  We are still there.  It took them a couple of weeks to get things dried up.  All of the floors are having to be replaced, except the kitchen and the bathroom.  The thing is, the company who did the remediation was supposed to give me a bid on installing the new floors, etc.  They sent me a contract and I had some questions.  They would take forever to get back to me just to answer a question.
To make a long story short, they finally referred another flooring company to me (they seemed to be having personnel problems), and we finally agreed on a contract and they started the floors yesterday.  We have been in the hotel for almost six weeks!!  They should finish either this weekend or early next week.

In the midst of all this, there was no let-up at work.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  So I have been trying to do my job, take care of my daughter, take care of things at home, all while living at the hotel, which is about 20 minutes away from the house.  I felt like I was going to lose my mind.  Things are finally beginning to slow down a little at work.  Being in the hotel made it difficult to stay on track with my eating, and there was so much stress, I didn’t try very hard.  But I have to.  I can tell something is wrong.
I will keep checking my blood sugar and see what it says.  In the meantime, I have tried to do better today.  If nothing else, I should certainly fast!  But I haven’t had the gumption to make myself do that with everything else going on.  Hopefully this wake-up call will help me do better.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

When I Don't Know What to Do, Do Nothing

I am amazed at how adept I am (and I suspect, most people are) at putting things – important things – at the backs of our minds and not thinking about them.  I guess it is good that there are vehicles to push them to the front, whether it be internal (like pain) or external (like a FB post or a documentary).  Today it is the latter (although, it is also the former).
A post came up on the fasting support FB page I am a part of about a documentary called Obesity:  The Post Mortem.  It is actually the autopsy of an obese lady who donated her body to science so it could be learned how obesity ravages the inside of our body.  Of course, I knew that it does, but it is always good to have a graphic reminder.  This lady died of heart failure.  But she could have died of other things that resulted from obesity.
It is not that I don’t think about weight loss every day.  But I am a champion at talking myself out of doing the good thing – “I will deal with it later” – very soon after I decide I simply must start doing the right thing.  Sometimes I know, deep down, that is going to happen.  I know when I am in the zone and when I am not.  But I can’t give up, just because I am not “feeling it” on any given day.  It’s not going to get done if I wait until I am “in the zone.”
All I know is, I want things to change for the long term.
I was struggling today.  In fact, I ate a breakfast sandwich for breakfast because I wasn’t prepared.  I wrestled with myself a good part of the morning about lunch.  I was about ready to dump my efforts until after the weekend.  But I kept fighting in myself.  I guess that is good.  I finally decided that, sometimes, it may be better just to do nothing.  The “right” thing to eat just isn’t what I wanted.  But I struggled with the thing I did want since I already didn’t feel good and I know that one time is too much because, most times, one is never enough, when it comes to a bad habit or an addiction.  (As in, you can tell yourself to have just one cookie, but it most often leads to more and more cookies.)  So I kept putting off the decision until I decided that doing nothing was my decision.  I just didn’t eat.  I don’t know what will happen tonight, but for now, I’m in a holding pattern.  (It is late afternoon now, and I feel much better having done that, and like I can do what I need to do when I get home, instead of eating what I wanted earlier.
Towards the end of that struggle, I watched the documentary and that pushed the desire for change to the forefront.  So that’s where things stand right now.  I don’t want to be that woman on the autopsy table.  I don’t want to be that woman on any table – operating, hospital bed, or even my couch!!
Another motivation is having security cameras that show me going about my business, cleaning the pool, watering the plants, etc.  I don’t want to be that woman either.  At least I want to be a thinner version of that woman.  It’s not so much self-rejection anymore.  It is wanting to feel better in every way, and wanting a longer and better quality of life.  I see on those videos the way I walk because I am limping or hurting; I see my hand constantly going to my lower back as I am walking around; I see the struggle of getting down on my knee to clean out the pool strainer, and the huge struggle to get up again.  That is not what I want.
So, all of these things put a hold on negative behavior.  Now if I can just remember that the next time.
You know, I said toward the first of this year that this could be my year.  And it still could.  If I will stick to what I know to do, it will happen for me and it will happen fairly quickly.  I need to keep my eyes on how different my life could be in a few short months if I will just do what I know to do.