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Monday, March 12, 2018

Developments

I am struggling along today.  I was a little lax this weekend, but wanted to get right back to fasting today.  It has been tough for more than one reason.  It is always a little more difficult when I eat carbs and sugar.  And I am really tired (and sleepy) today.  And I have a lot on my mind.  But I really want to keep moving, and so far, that has kept me going.
 
I had a hard time going to sleep last night, and consequently, I can barely stay awake this afternoon.  Honestly, if I could go on home and just go to bed, I think I would be fine.  But if I have to stay late, I don't know, I'm a lot more likely to eat something to try to perk myself up.  I am soooooo tired.
 
There have been some developments since my last post.  There has been some contact between my ex's current wife and us (not through me).  She and her (grown) kids want to meet with me and my kids.  She has "kicked" my ex out of the house and I think is trying to decide whether trying to make it work is even advisable.  I am not going to try to influence her, but I am going to tell the truth about what happened.  From the things I know already about what he has done with her, it all sounds very familiar, although possibly not quite as developed.  But it has been escalating.  Interestingly, it has been going on with her for 10 years!!!  With me, it got so bad within one year that I could not continue.  And I obviously made the right decision.  He and I were divorced less than 14 years ago.  He dated her about 11 months; I think they married about 2 years after we were divorced, so they were possibly married about a year and a half when it started for her.  And she believed him about me until then.  Evidently, with her he would have periods were he pushed it and then just quit talking about it.  (That was the interesting thing; instead of it being a deal where he wanted to turn me into the police or something like that, he just said he could forgive as long as I told the truth -- when I supposedly sleeping with my own son!!!!  He has said the same thing to her.  But he seems to have no clue that the fact he thinks both of us are guilty of such a thing is a sign that he has a problem, not us.)  Anyway, she is not the type to let things lie, so she would bring it up and find out he still believed it.  With me he was totally obsessed and tried everything he could to prove it or would lie about "evidence" in an attempt to make me confess.  He has done that with her too, but it is only now escalating, it sounds like.  He also wanted her to take a lie detector test, as he did with me.  My boss (who was also my attorney) would not allow me to.  And counselors said, "So you take a lie detector test and pass it; what is he going to do the next time he doesn't believe you."  It did nothing to get to the root of the problem, which was his mental illness.
 
Some other thoughts have come up that would be quite heinous if they turned out to be true.  People have told me that for him to accuse me of that either means it happened to him (no evidence of that) or he was guilty of the same thing and is projecting it on me and Julie.  That's what scares me, for reasons I won't bring up here.
 
I'm going to try to finish up and see if I can go home.  If I can go home and go to bed, I think I can make it through today.  If not, I will still have had an intermittent fast and that is good too.
 
Over and out.

Friday, March 9, 2018

An Amazing Thing!

Second post of the day!  It's almost tomorrow, but....
 
The most amazing thing happened tonight.  I was still at work and I got a FB contact from someone I would have never expected.  It was my former brother-in-law.  He requested a contact, which I accepted, and then sent me a message asking me if I would call him.  I had to work late, and then ride the train home so I didn't try to call him until I got home.  Then he didn't answer.  (I thought maybe he had changed his mind.)  But later he messaged me again and said he had missed my message the first time and would I call him, if not tonight, then tomorrow night.  Honestly, I thought about not doing it tonight because it was already 10:30, but I was too curious.  I thought maybe he wanted some legal advice or something like that, but I couldn't imagine why he was calling me. Anyway, I called him.
 
He had just heard the details of why my 21-year marriage had ended and why my kids no longer wanted to have anything to do with their "dad."  My kids had told my bil's son a couple of years ago, and his son had just told him.  He had never known.  For those who have not read my earlier posts, my husband of 20 years accused me of incest with my own (and his own) son.  He also accused me of multiple affairs.  He went to very bizarre lengths to try to prove it -- tried to get DNA evidence, hid cameras in the house, hid in the attic to watch me, etc., etc.  It got very scary.  He even looked up cases my then-boss was involved in (this boss did family law -- divorces), to find names of clients because he was convinced I had affairs with all of them.  He basically thought I had a sign-up sheet at work.  Of course, nothing is further from the truth, but there was no convincing him and I came to know that he was not a well man.  And all in the context of putting himself out there as being a big "man of God."  The best thing I ever did was get away from him.  That was 14 years ago.
 
Anyway, my ex's family never knew why I left.  Actually, I wrote a letter to his parents and told them, but they either never got the letter or never told anyone else.  I don't know if they believed me or not.  So my ex-bil was quite taken aback.  He kept saying that.  He was so shocked.  He actually called to apologize for what my ex did and to apologize for things he had done because he didn't know.  He said he had tried to encourage or arrange times for my ex and my kids to be together (family get-togethers, etc.) to try to patch things up, and had been torn up for years over the rift between them.  (My ex has made no effort to have a relationship with my kids since losing the case where he tried to have me declared an unfit mother.  But there would have had to be a lot of repentance and then proof that he had really changed before they would allow him to be part of his life.)  Now my brother-in-law totally understands.  And he told me how sorry he was that I had been treated that way.  He even shed a few tears.
 
He told me something else that is almost bigger than that.  He had talked to my ex's current wife because he was trying to get ahold of his brother about an issue from his father's estate and to let him know they were putting their mother in a nursing home.  They could not get ahold of my ex.  Come to find out, he has been doing the same thing to her!  He has accused her of the exact same thing.  I have always wondered.  I wondered because he acted so sick with me and I wondered how things could be so good with them.  At the same time, I knew there were probably things no one else knew.  There was no way something else wouldn't happen, as sick as he was.  It just made me feel a little vindicated.  I knew, but now other people know.  It's like a huge weight has been lifted off of me.  Just to be understood.  No one who knows me ever believed a bit of it, but the deal with his family always weighed on me.
 
Anyway, my brother-in-law said maybe we could all get together -- him and his kids and me and my kids from time to time.  He lives in Fort Worth, so it would not be that hard.  He just wants to be family.  It's amazing!  God is good!!  I don't know how soon I am going to be able to go to sleep....

Thursday, March 8, 2018

Keeping Up the Momentum

As I said in yesterday's post, I want to post to help keep my momentum going.  I had a good, reasonable day today.  I made some bacon and eggs for breakfast and snacked on a little cheese.  For lunch I had the barbecue I had gotten from what they brought in at work (3 little circles of smoked sausage, 1 slice of brisket, and kind of a chicken wing with a little extra meat on it).  That was good barbecue!  I didn't put much sauce on it and I didn't have any sides.  This afternoon my sweet tooth was making itself known, so I bought some sugar-free chocolates, and had 4 squares of that.  I also ate a few peanuts from the peanut jar (just a few).   And then at 5:00, I started another fast.
 
I decided a good way to motivate myself to do that and make a more decisive decision is to start my fasting timer.  I started it at 5:23 p.m., but I had not eaten in a while before that.  I fasted about 70 hours earlier in the week, and my goal was to fast 26 hours, so until 7:00 tomorrow night, to make the 96 hours I had planned to fast in the first place.  I feel good and like I want to keep going until 7:00 tomorrow.
 
It helped that I was busy this evening.  My boss had been in a meeting all day (I still was pretty busy all day) and then wanted to get some things done before I left.  So I left the office at about 8:15 p.m.
 
The medication issue felt a little better today.  Withdrawal symptoms never really set in, although I felt them slightly.  When I took medicine, I took a half pill each time, and was able to function that way with no problem.  I forgot to take my electrolyte supplements this morning, so was feeling like I needed them this evening.  You can have some weird sensations when those are out of balance.
 
All in all, it was a good day.  I think my carbs were decently low.  I don't necessarily do a keto diet all the time, but I do eat low-carb when I am on track.  As long as I lose weight that way and am getting healthier, I am good with that.
 
My daughter and son-in-law and grandson were planning a trip to the zoo tomorrow and ask us if we wanted to go.  So that is the plan, but there is rain in the forecast, so it remains to be seen if that is doable.  After that we may go to the barbecue place from where the food was brought in at work.  It was really good -- the best brisket I have had from a barbecue restaurant that I remember.  Hopefully they have some sides I can eat.  I don't mind eating a little more carbs on the weekend (within reason), as long as I follow my fasting goals during the week.  I also need to get more done on my house this weekend.  We are going to have to stay with it to get it all done.  My daughter is more interested in working outside (I understand that; I have always been like that), but we do need to finish.  Hopefully I can motivate her -- push her, if I have to -- so we can make more progress.
 
I am quite sleepy this evening, so I am going to call it a night.  Hopefully I can follow through with my plan until 7:00 tomorrow evening.  I definitely feel better when I am doing this.
 
Good night all.  Friday here we come!

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Day Three and Done (for this one)

Today is going along pretty good, although I am not as busy today.  At least not as push-push busy.  I still have plenty to do.  I always have plenty to do.

I am feeling a little hungry this afternoon.  The mixture of fasting and the medication issue makes it a little difficult, but not too bad.  The medication thing has not been bad today, but I think it is contributing to the hunger.  They brought in barbecue for lunch and then had celebratory glasses of champagne this afternoon for one of our attorneys who won the primary in his campaign for Justice of the Court of Appeals.  I had neither.  I did get me a plate of barbecue to have when I eat again.  My plan is to break my fast tomorrow evening, if I make it.  Not only was I fasting, but with the medication I take, it makes having the champagne less wise.  I'm not really a drinker, either (maybe twice a year I will have a little taste of something), so who knows how that would have affected me, plus it would be breaking my fast.  People think I'm weird, but that's okay.  I have to do what is best for me.

One reason I feel a little "iffy" about how long I will fast is because I feel slightly lightheaded this afternoon.  However, I have felt that way, at times, during the course of this medication issue, so I am not sure it is related to my fast.  I am trying to make sure I keep my electrolytes balanced.  If it does not go away, then I will eat.  But, as I said, I was having this feeling, at times, when I was eating plenty.  The amount of time I have fasted this week is long enough to support the long-term purposes I started intermittent fasting for in the first place, if done regularly, but I wanted to go a bit longer than I have recently to get a good break from the way I have been eating lately.  I would like to go until tomorrow evening, if I can.  But I will do what my body tells me.

I really, really need to get myself motivated to do some cooking after I finish this fast.  I keep saying that and then don't do it.  I just have so much else to do.  (That is one reason I like fasting; don't have to worry about it on those days.)  I particularly want to make some fat bombs and some "legal" sweets to help keep me on track.  I also want to make some Fathead Dinner Rolls, a recipe for low-carb "bread."  You can also make pizza dough out of this same recipe.  I do have some brisket cooked, so can have that when I eat again.  I just need to eat in a way that does not add a bunch of carbs to it.  One way is to use it to stuff an avocado.  But I can just eat some sliced brisket with some veggies and that will be fine.  I've had people make a couple of negative comments about eating low carb lately.  I want to get some more progress under my belt before I start saying anything.  I am totally convinced of this way of eating, but people are going to need to see progress before they will listen if they are totally indoctrinated against it.  I just need to be consistent.

What I continue to be very happy with is that I have not gained weight, even with this hiatus of not doing as well as I "should."  That never would have happened before.  And my back has been consistently better for quite a while.  So I know it is helpful for me.  What I am trying to get in my head is that I need to stay away from sugar (and processed carbs), not just because of weight issues, but because of blood sugar and other health issues.  Elevated levels of insulin and blood sugar are extremely detrimental for many health issues, including type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, heart problems, the development of Alzheimer's, and sugar is the food for many cancers.  I began to wonder if I might be becoming diabetic with this bladder issue (because of frequent urination).  But I do not have the other symptoms.  (I need to find my monitor so I can check it for sure.)

As long as I am fasting and still losing weight, I plan to have a few carbs from whole food sources, at times.  Like some sweet potato or some beans or something like that.  That keeps me from getting too bored.  But if it keeps me from losing weight, I will need to not do that until I lose the weight.  If 2018 is going to be my year, I have to quit fooling around.

And, if it does what I think it will do for my pain issues, I plan to begin the journey of getting off the pain meds.
 
Later
 
I did not have to work late (yay)!  I read The Complete Guide to Fasting on the way home on the train.  Driving home from the train station I was thinking things over and I decided I was ready to break this fast.  I am still building up from the time off from extended fasting.  I was almost at 3 days and I decided that was enough for this week.  Although I will give thought to possibly fasting from tomorrow evening to Friday evening.  Next week, if I want to, I can fast 3-1/2 days, and the following week, the 4 days I was doing before this hiatus.  Any amount I do is beneficial.  I just need to be consistent and improve my eating on "eat days."  The good thing is, I start feeling the benefits a lot sooner than I used to.  That is because my body was cleansed from the longer fasts, I am quite sure, and it doesn't take as long to clear out the new stuff from my not-so-stellar eating habits of late.
 
So, as of now, I have had a little cheese since I have been home.  It is good to take it slow for the first bit after eating.  I was going to have an avocado, which is a good thing to break a fast with, but the one I had left had dark spots.  So I had the cheese.  I may have some eggs in a bit.  I want to keep it high fat/low carb for the evening.
 
So that's it.  I need to post again tomorrow and keep my momentum going.  So let's see if I can do that.
 
Good night all.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

So Far, So Good

Well, I made it through fine yesterday.  I did go home on time and I got back to work (at home) to finish the project I was working on Sunday:



This is one side of the closet and the other side has a little different configuration.  I was pretty proud of myself about this.  I attached the support bar to the studs, as instructed, and the rest is attached with sheetrock anchors, if not in a stud.  Everything is level and plumb.  Looks pretty darned good!
 
It feels good to have a day and a half fasting under my belt.  My fasting app says I am a little over 39 hours in, but I did not start the timer until about 6 hours after the last time I ate, so I am closer to 2 days.  I already feel some better, pain-wise, and it feels good not to be bloated.  My clothes are getting looser, just from that.  You lose about a half a pound of fat a day when fasting, but you lose a lot of water, also.  Always after a time of eating "bad" stuff, and getting on a better track, even without fasting, there will be a lot of water loss (for me).
 
Mentally, I am feeling pretty good.  I am still having some slight withdrawal symptoms, but not bad.  I also have a bladder infection and am on an antibiotic.  Thankfully things like that do not bother my stomach, even when I have not eaten.
 
I think part of the reason I have not had too much trouble (so far) with this fast is I have been so busy.  As I said, I went home and worked last night on the closet.  Today has been VERY busy at work, and if I get off at a decent hour (it is 6:45 right now), I will try to do a little work at home when I get there.  I'm trying to make some progress every day, and trying to get some done before we have Jim come back to finish up his part.  We have quite a bit for him to do, since I have made some purchases that will require his expertise.  I am considering having him (or someone else who might do it a little cheaper) to finish the painting.  Maybe I could offer to pay my son-in-law to finish it for a certain price, and help he and my daughter out with some extra money.  At the same time, I think I might get it finished quicker if I pay someone who can just come in and do it.  It is mainly some woodwork that is left.  I think it would look better if I had someone who does it all the time does it, also.  Painting woodwork is a little trickier than just painting walls.  The finish-out on that makes a big difference on how everything looks.
 
I at least want to get my room back in order from the closet project tonight and tomorrow morning.  It just depends on how long I work tonight whether I will be able to do that.
 
That is pretty much all that is going on.  I'm just happy to be on a better track.  The important part will be when I eat again to see if I do better with that.
 
Over and out.  :)
 

Monday, March 5, 2018

Hoping to Get on a Better Track

I'm trying to get on a better track today.  I continued with medication struggles the last however many days, until yesterday, which was a week after I got back on my "old" brand of medication.  I still am having a tendency to go into withdrawal more quickly, but it is improving, so I am feeling a little more confident that it will continue improving.  I certainly hope so.  I want more and more to get off this stuff for good.
 
My pain levels have been up the last few days and I feel sure that has to do with the way I have been eating -- very high carb, wheat when I felt like it, sugar, etc.  Those are very inflammatory, and my joints are definitely feeling it.  So, I started this week's fast last night.  I ate lunch yesterday and a "last hurrah" (hopefully) on the sugar during the afternoon.  I didn't really eat dinner, but had an avocado at around 8:00 or so.  So that was the last food I ate.  I would like to fast 5 days this week (at least).  I need to separate myself from the foods I have been eating lately for a longer period of time.  That has been helpful in the past.  But it is harder to start fasting after you have been eating like this.  (It is much easier when you are eating keto or pretty low carb.)  I feel fairly determined right now, but I never know lately when I will just give in all of a sudden.  I know it is my choice.  I just have to find it in myself to make the right one.  I know I can do this, obviously, since I have done it successful before.  Just have to get my mind in gear.
 
One thing that helps is thinking how certain things will improve, once I have fasted for a few days.  My joints will start feeling better and pain will decrease, though that might take a while.  I bought a couple of new tops that fit just a tad tighter than I would like.  By Thursday or so, they should be fitting better.  The next motivation needs a little back-information.
 
My daughter's car was burglarized about 10 days ago.  My house had some security cameras when we moved in, but we have not known how to hook them up and utilize them.  Plus we wanted to have the ability to record activity, and be able to share it with the police or neighbors, not just watch it live.  (There have been quite a bit of vehicle break-ins and even home burglaries in our area recently.)  We want to be able to provide footage to the police, as well as deter this kind of thing from happening to us.  So I upgraded my security system.  There are cameras on the carport, front door and viewing the pool (that being for the safety of my grandson, mostly).  My daughter is also buying some (herself) that will cover a couple of rooms in the house (for purposes of seeing what the dogs are up to, as well as security).
 
That being said, there have been plenty of occasions recently to see myself on video -- when I leave the house, when I go out in the back yard to do something, when I go out the front door -- there is video footage of me.  And I haven't liked what I saw.  My clothes still are fitting as they were, so I think this is the way I have been looking for a while, but sometimes you have an unrealistic idea of what you really look like.  I am ready to get going on weight loss again.  (I am also ready to not be walking with a limp, etc., since this makes me look old and unattractive.  Lol.)  So this is turning out to be a big motivation.  And it will give me good feedback as to how I am doing in the future.
 
I am still in the boot for my heel and I don't really feel like I've made much progress.  It still gets pretty painful when I am out of the boot for very long.  I really do not want to have to have surgery.  I need to ice it, which I have not been doing.  We are discussing a trip to Disney World in October, so that is another motivation.  I want to be able to walk around comfortably.  I have actually been pretty amazed about how improved my pain has been up until the last week or so (except for my heel).  The fasting and weight loss made a huge difference.  My knee hurt at times, but when I got in the boot, it actually got better.  I think because I am not limping so much in the boot.  My back has been so much better the last few months.  It is only now beginning to flare up again because of the bad eating.  Time to pull things together.
 
It is late afternoon now, and as I have gone through my day, it has been tough at times.  I don't know if it is the fasting, but the withdrawal kicked in a little stronger this afternoon than it had yesterday, and that makes me want to eat.  But I am doing okay, so far.  I pray I can hold it together this evening.  It's not like it really helps to eat.
 
Mentally, I still feel "in the zone."  Let's see if it lasts.  Hopefully I can go home near "on time" today.  We will see.

Monday, February 19, 2018

Medication Struggles

Sunday

The last few days have been a struggle.  It's this withdrawal issue I mentioned.  I've been trying to figure out what is going on.  I thought it might be the new brand of pain med, then I thought it might be the muscle relaxant (also a new brand and a mixture of brands), and sometimes I mistake it for electrolyte issues.

The conclusion I have come to for now is that it is the new brand of pain med.  My back pain has been in a better place, so I had been taking less than before, but now I am experiencing withdrawal symptoms less than four hours after I take a dose.  I end up having to take another dose sooner to get rid of withdrawal, and I want to take less medicine, not more.  You might think that is the problem -- I am taking it less often and that is what is creating the problem.  But I have done that many times in the past, since I don't take it unless I need it.  I go through times of taking 1 or 2 a day (I am allowed 6), and that never brought on withdrawal.  It would take 24 hours or so to bring on withdrawal (going from memory).  This is not that.  I could not go to sleep last night because withdrawal was so strong.  I took some pain med and finally went to sleep at around 2:00 a.m.  But I woke up at 6:00 or so with strong withdrawal.  I took a dose and went back to sleep.  Around 10:00 I awoke suddenly with more withdrawal symptoms.  I waited a bit to take any more, but finally had to take some.  I was sitting here this afternoon and it was coming back again.

I decided to look it up on the internet to see if others have this problem.  I did not find this exact thing, but I did find that people who take this particular brand complained about it after it was reformulated.  According to the posts, the dose wears off way too soon.  They talked about how the old formulation was hard to break the tablet in half, but the new one snaps easily.  Therefore they concluded that it went through your system much quicker and wore off too soon.  Many, many people complained that this brand was problematic for them.  One person described how it made them feel and, although they did not recognize it as such, they were describing withdrawal symptoms.  So that let me know this was probably the problem.

Anyway, this is getting old.  When I get it filled again, I am going somewhere where I can get my old brand.

I think the problem has been building in the last few weeks.  The longer I have been away from my old brand, the more I am experiencing withdrawal.

I have wondered if I am having withdrawal from my muscle relaxant too.  For now, I think it is the pain med.  Since I want to get totally off that muscle relaxant, I want to take it as little as possible while getting off of it.  I am going to stick to a half-tablet at bedtime until I get back on my old pain med.  After I get that lined out, I will go to a half-tablet every other night and reduce it from there.  I do not want to be on more than one drug that is habit forming.  One of these days I would like to get off all of it.  (I can tell that is going to be veeerrry difficult.  Besides the other symptoms, it makes me want to eat a lot -- especially sweets.)  Sigh.

Monday

That's all I got down yesterday.  It is Monday afternoon and I am again having the withdrawal problem.  I had a dose ready to take in the middle of the night in case it hit me again.  It actually did not until around 6:00 a.m. when my first alarm goes off.  I took a dose then (my dose is "due" at 5:30 a.m., if I need it).  Before 10:00, here it came again.  Now it is about 1:15 and it is hitting me very strongly.  I am not going to take it in less than fours from the prior dose, so I am writing to kind of talk myself through it.  It is making me foggy-brained and my hands feel like they are drawing up into almost spasms.  (That's not great for typing.)  I will take my doses as prescribed until I get the new brand and hopefully I can back off from them again after that and take them only when I need them for pain.  There has to be something else different about this formulation from the other that causes this.  I have never had so much trouble.

If getting back to my old brand does not help, then I will have to decide if it is the muscle relaxant that is bringing this on.  I really do not want to take it more than a half-tablet at bedtime and get even more dependent on it, if that is what it is.  But this is very difficult to work through.

A possible solution occurred to me as I was writing this.  I want to avoid feeling withdrawal so strongly between doses until I can get my old brand again, but not take more than is prescribed.  I am going to try taking a half-dose of my pain med now and another half-dose in 2 hours.  Hopefully that will keep it more active in my system while I am having to take this brand.  I hate having to take it like this, but I need to be able to function at work.  I just hope the half-dose is enough to make withdrawal settle down when it is this strong.  (It seems to be; hopefully the half-dose is still in my system after two hours.  It seems like that would not be different.)

Supposedly there is no way there is less of the active ingredients in one brand than another.  If that is true, it has to be how they are formulated otherwise.  Somehow my body is reacting to the difference in the way the med is delivered in my system.  And from my reading, I am definitely not the only one.  Not nice.

After this strong bout of withdrawal early this afternoon, I really wanted something sweet.  I had decided not to try to fast today because I feel like the best defense of not succumbing to the sweet craving is to be able to at least eat something else.  So, that was my goal when this hit me.  I ate a salad for lunch, and I had just a few peanuts when this craving hit me.  After that the dose of medicine started kicking in and I felt better for a bit.  However, it was still hitting me, so I bought some sugar-free chocolates.  That helped.  (And if you overeat on these, you will pay for it, so I don't.  :))

Withdrawal symptoms seem so contradictory, at times.  I feel like I am on the verge of pouncing at something -- very restless; at the same time, I feel like I could fall asleep.  I feel chilled one minute and burning up the next.  My brain feels foggy and dizzy, at times.  Fuzzy is a good description.

Suffice it to say, the rest of the day has been more of the same.  I have been pretty miserable.  I sent a communication to my doctor to find out how best to handle this.  Ugh!!!!